Attachment Styles, Repeating Patterns, and Relationships
John Bowlby said it best, “we’re only as needy as our unmet needs.”
Attachment begins with the connection that we had with our parents or caregivers growing up.
For some of you, this concept may feel scary for a variety of reasons. Maybe you experienced a lot of arguing with your parent or caregiver, maybe you endured abuse or trauma, or perhaps your parent or caregiver was simply absent. We, therapists, call these situations attachment ruptures. Although many, if not all folks, endure an attachment rupture at some point growing up, it doesn’t mean that you are doomed to having toxic or unhealthy relationship dynamics for the rest of your life.
I want you to imagine yourself walking down a path. As you are walking you start to notice that the road you are walking on is a mess. There are potholes everywhere, there’s trash scattered along the shoulder, and the sidewalks have cracks. As you look up ahead you notice that the road veers both right and left. You look both ways and quickly realize how immaculate these roads look compared to the one that you are on. However, you aren’t quite sure where these roads lead. At this point, you get to make a decision. Are you going to stay on the road you are currently on, acknowledging that it is messy and miserable but there is certainty in knowing where you are headed, OR are you going to turn down the path that is both beautiful but uncertain?
So many of us make statements such as, “I will never be like my (insert parent/caregiver).” And yet, as we grow up we learn quite quickly that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” We continue to walk down that same messy, littered path because that is what was modeled for us. But I want you to hear this….at any point you can turn down the other road. You can choose to begin unlearning what was taught to you. Yeah, this is hard work AND we can find so much freedom in living a life that is aligned and congruent with what we always hoped for, for ourselves, rather than allowing ourselves to continue to fall into the same patterns over and over again. To do this kind of unlearning we have to start with the basics. Learning what your attachment style is, is the first step. So what are these attachment styles anyways?
Secure:
Able to give and receive love freely.
Sets healthy boundaries.
Feels comfortable with personal autonomy and vulnerability.
Anxious
Fears abandonment.
Seeks/needs external validation.
Low self-esteem/self-worth.
Avoidant
Difficulty committing in relationships.
Avoids intimacy and vulnerability.
Distant when others get too close.
Fearful avoidant or disorganized
Both want and fear intimacy and vulnerability.
Struggles to recognize, organize, and communicate internal experiences.
Feels unworthy.
These are only some characteristics or traits of each attachment style. While each person will naturally tends towards one attachment style, it is entirely possible to learn how to manage thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that inhibit you from creating secure attachments with a romantic partner, friends, and family members.
If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and finding ways to experience healthy boundaries, closeness, and intimacy within relationships, book a session with me today!
Annie Bretches, LPC, LCPC