Boundaries: How far can I go?
Boundaries are essential to any relationship. That may sound weird. Aren’t you supposed to be close to each other? Share everything? Build a wonderful life together? How do boundaries fit into that?
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A boundary is a line or a limit that we set in order to provide safety for us and our loved ones. When a child starts running into the street, we stop them because we want them to be safe, we want them to be protected. We have set a boundary around the house and yard to protect the child from any pain that they could experience by stepping into the street. Boundaries and love definitely go together! In relationships, we also need to set limits around ourselves and our relationship in order to protect us and the relationship.
In a book called “What Can I Do About Me?” the author wrote, “A boundary should empower you and give you a sense of choice by providing you with a plan of action…(Croshaw, 2012, p. 58m emphasis added). Boundaries can be empowering! The “plan of action can be found in an ‘If-Then’ statement. The ‘If…’ is the boundary; the ‘Then…’ is the plan of action” (Croshaw, 2012, p. 58). So, we can create simple boundaries that are powerful and useful for us and our relationships by using an ‘if-then’ statement.
Some examples of small and simple boundaries with children are: “If you run into the road, then you will not be able to go into the yard to play this afternoon because I want you to be safe” or “If you choose to hit your sibling then you will need to sit in time-out for 10 minutes so you can calm down.” These boundaries are not given because the parent is angry or upset. The limits are given to the child because the parents want the child to be safe and happy. Boundaries are not ultimatums meant to control other people (Schneider, quoted in Croshaw, 2012).
In our relationships we need to know what is most important to us in order to establish our boundaries. If we believe that limits on drinking are important in our relationship, we might set a boundary that sounds something like this: “I am uncomfortable when my partner drinks during the day, especially when they then try to drive me home. If my partner lies to me about whether or not they drank, or if my partner has more than one drink while we are together, I will ask my sister to come pick me up so that I am safe and my partner does not feel an obligation to drive drunk.”
Another example might be, “I do not appreciate name-calling in my home. If my partner becomes angry and starts to call me names, then I will say, ‘I do not appreciate being called names. You can lower your voice and stop calling me names or I will leave this conversation.’”
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In these examples, this is not something we are doing because we are angry or frustrated with our partner. We are doing this because we need to make sure that we are safe, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
It takes a lot of courage to decide what is most important to us, establish boundaries, and then uphold those boundaries! Start small and be forgiving when you are not perfect at building and maintaining boundaries. Keep working at finding what is important to you and building protectors (boundaries) around those areas.
As the old saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” (Palmer, 1840).
Hannah Herring, Graduate Intern