Easing the Flood Gates of Emotional Flooding Between Partners

Have you ever found yourself feeling overtaken by a wave of emotion during an argument? At some point in our lives we have each felt consumed by feelings of rage, disappointment, sadness, and disbelief. These feelings can lead us into a state of hyperarousal. Heart racing, tight chest , body temperature rising, and unable to think clearly. In the middle of conflict these feelings can appear to be completely unmanageable. Our emotions carry us out to sea and lead us to heightened experiences. You might find yourself or your partner yelling, name-calling, on the defense, or maybe entirely unable to articulate yourselves at all.  

There are quite a few benchmarks to flooding. The more partners are able to indicate signs of flooding within  themselves and one another, the easier it will be to engage in soothing techniques. This might sound easier said than done! Differentiating between emotional distress and physiological flooding can be tough, as there is certainly some overlap. Psychologists, John and Julie Gottman describe flooding as being completely hijacked by your nervous system. You may feel entirely threatened by your partner and unable to think rationally, calmly, or logically. This is when partners begin to engage in criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.  

Red flags to flooding may include: 

• Amplified anger and frustration 

• Knots in stomach 

• Sweating 

• Rapid breathing 

• Increased heartrate (80-100+ beats per minute) 

• Diverted focus and eye contact  

• Inability to think clearly 

• Clenched muscles  

So what do we do when we find ourselves or our significant other feeling flooded? Hit that pause button! In order for the waves to stop crashing in on us, we must dock the boat and let the water settle.  

Five Ways to Self-Soothe when Flooded  

 Breathing. Begin to notice your breath. To the best of your ability take a deep breath in and slowly let it out. Continue to regulate your breathe-deeply and slowly You may put your hand on your belly or your chest and notice how they rise and fall. You might begin to notice your heart slowing down and your body becoming a little heavier. Continue to inhale and exhale until your heart rate slows down.  

Observation. Observe when you are feeling triggered or activated. Pause. Take note of what is happening to your body, to your mind, and to your emotions. Remain curious about how you are being effected. Nonjudgmentally begin to investigate what is happening within you. 

Relaxation. Begin a grounding process. You will want to engage your senses. Run your hands under cold water, pick up or a touch an item near you, smell a candle, step outside and listen to sounds, move your body by going on a slow walk or stretching your muscles. Make an effort to notice the small things you might not always pay attention to. We want to move out of our racing thoughts and begin to relate to our body.  

Imagery. Perhaps you begin to imagine a place or a time that feels particularly pleasant for you. Focus on this memory or experience. Try and recall how safe, secure, comfortable, and happy you felt. Allow this image to become a safe haven or a sanctuary for you. Take notice of the colors, shapes, and sounds around you in this place. Follow your breathe and allow yourself to be consumed by calm stillness of this memory or space.  

Timeouts. Occasionally you or your partner may be able to self-soothe in the moment, however, most of the time, you might need a time out. Stepping away from the argument helps partners to clear their mind and calm down. If you notice flooding occurring, make a plan with your partner to delay the discussion and to return to the conversation within a certain period of time. Once you step away, don’t ruminate or focus on the argument. Rather, engage in an activity or a practice that will help you to disengage from the interaction completely. Once time is up, you will feel more calm and ready to reengage with one another.  

Feeling emotionally flooded is an incredibly normal experience. Engaging in self-soothing techniques during conflict will help you and your partner to communicate with one another in a more productive, compassionate, and empathetic way. Be an ally to each other as you both navigate ways to soothe yourselves as well as each other. 

Annie Bretches, LPC, PLPC