Five Ways to Show Vulnerability in Your Relationship
By playing games, keeping score, or withholding parts of ourselves, we might be protecting ourselves from potential pain, but we are also depriving ourselves of being truly connected with our partner.
The ultimate goal of romantic relationships is true connection with another person. To know and accept another and for them to know and accept you. This can be a wonderful and fulfilling experience; however, it can also be scary. Fear of abandonment or disapproval creep up and cause us to play games, keep score, or withhold parts of ourselves. By doing these things we might be protecting ourselves from potential pain, but we are also depriving ourselves from the experience of being truly connected with our partner.
I want to preface these points with the fact that the relationship needs to be a safe place, where vulnerability will be met with acceptance and not abuse of any kind (including verbal and emotional).
The following are some ways to show vulnerability and authenticity in a relationship.
Admit how you are truly feeling. This is easier said than done. One of the most common things partners do when they are shielding themselves is to show secondary emotions, such as anger, to cover up the real emotion, such as fear or hurt.
Confide in your partner. Say what you are worried about or struggles you are having.
Admit when you are wrong/forgive the other person when they are wrong. This is a hard one. The longer we are in a relationship the bigger the score sheet can get. In the end, a small fight can bring back years of fights. As I have worked in couples counseling, I have seen couples who continue to re-fight the same old fights that were never resolved from years past. Something like not taking out the trash turns into a fight of how the partner never cares does anything for them, and a laundry list of examples come out. This is no way to be in a relationship, and eventually the scorecard gets too big and divorce ensues. When fights occur, resolve them by speaking honestly about the issues and then admit fault and truly forgive each other. Agree that future fights are about the issue itself, and not rehashing past fights. When relationships become about winning or losing then both partners lose.
Truly listen to your partner. Two common things that get in the way of listening are either waiting for our turn to talk, or blocking others out by putting up a wall (this can be done by zoning out, watching TV, or going to your part of the house to be alone). Make time to really talk to each other. When we first start dating everything is new and exciting and we make time to learn about the other person. As time goes on, we just assume we know the other person, but if we don't take time to talk and listen, time goes on that your partner changes without you realizing it. Sometimes marriages grow apart when couples have kids, and they don't realize it until the children are out of the house and they find that they are two very different people.
Play. Children do a great job of playing. They pretend, they wrestle, they do sports. As we get older, it becomes more difficult to find time and ways to play, but it is no less important. Find time to joke around with your partner, to do sports together, go on hikes together, or even play cards. Our days can be so filled with work, kids, bills, and housework that we never make time to enjoy each other's company and we almost forget how to have fun together, or why we fell in love to begin with. Play is not a waste of time; it can be one of the most rewarding parts of a relationship.