Four Surprising Ways to Raise Confident Kids
In a world full of constant comparison, flaws erased by filters and online bullying, it doesn’t take much to worry about your child’s self-esteem. You just want to hug your kiddo and say “be confident, you can do it!” But that doesn’t get you very far. If you are at a loss of what to do, try these simple steps below to indirectly build your child’s self-confidence.
Encourage curiosity. Children love to ask questions as they learn about the world around them. Return the question to the child and praise their curiosity and willingness to explore a new idea.
-Example: “Mom, what does this do?(holding a wrench). Mom: “Hmmm what do you think it does?” Child “well it was with the other tools and the top matches some things I’ve seen around the swing set. I bet it’s like a screwdriver!” Mom: “You figured it out!” Or “it seems like you know more about that than you thought.”
The above interaction is an example of the parent providing an opportunity for the child to gain self confidence when not having all of the answers. The child has an opportunity to get curious and feel proud of what they were able to figure out on their own. If the parent simply answered the initial question, the opportunity would be lost. Even if the child doesn’t provide the “correct” answer, a response like “well that’s an idea, what else do you think?” works.
2. Collaborate, Collaborate! Work with your child as much as possible, even when it comes to consequences! When a child has a voice and feels heard, self-awareness and self-reflection skills develop. These are key ingredients for confidence. When a child regularly forgets their towel for swim practice, ask them what they think is up during a neutral time(not when frustrations are running high). If a child sneaks the Pad to their room during screen-free time, during a neutral time, ask them what an appropriate consequence would be. A neutral time is a time that is not after a conflict, when both parent and child are calm and able to connect.
-Example: “Hey bud, I noticed yesterday you had the iPad in your room during screen free time. What ideas do you have to help with this?”
3. Name and validate feelings. Confidence doesn’t mean being perfect or knowing what you are doing all the time. Confidence is the personal belief that you can handle hard things, can count on yourself and your abilities and to feel self-assured in your day to day life. The ability to identify feelings and to give yourself permission to feel those emotions encourages self-awareness and calms your inner-world.
4. Model the behavior. Kids are sponges and pick up on small details in their environment. Even if a parent isn’t criticizing their child’s appearance, self-criticism is absorbed by the child. For example, if a parent criticizes his or her body size, not the child’s, the child still learns that there is something “Wrong” with a body size, or someone is “better” depending on their body size. Parents can also model trying new things, making mistakes, or not having all the answers. Narrate yourself while doing this.
-Example: “Dad, do you want to play lacrosse with me?” “Wow, I’ve never tried before! I will need a lot of practice and will probably mess up. But I am always down to try new things. Can you teach me?”
Written by Aeriel Feeback, LCSW, Play Therapist