Give Yourself a Break: Practicing Self-Compassion
Do you have moments where you feel you are doing the best you can, but it is still not good enough? Or as much as you try, things do not go your way? Perhaps your life is not what you’ve imagined it to be? Or maybe your year did not go as planned, you start comparing yourself to others. Then your mind overflows with negative thoughts about yourself and then you realize you have become your own critic.
Why is it so hard to stop beating ourselves up?
We have a self-critical inner voice. Our inner critic believes that it is doing the necessary to motivate us, keep us being loved and accepted. Although, harsh self-criticism may motivate us in the short term, it will make us feel defeated in the long term (Neff, 2019).
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
~Louise Hay
Also, our western culture and society has always put a great emphasis on being kind and supportive to others, but not so much on being kind to ourselves. We often learned that we need to ignore our painful feelings and “toughen up”. We are mistakenly taught that showing compassion for ourselves is selfish and pitiful.
“Caring for others require caring for ourselves.”
~Dalai Lama
Kristin Neff, who has conducted research into self-compassion, points out that Self-compassion not only changes our mental and emotional experience, but also our body chemistry. Self-Compassion or soothing our own pain triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin. An increased level of oxytocin is related to increased feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity and connectedness. Research has shown that people who are compassionate to themselves are less likely to be stressed, anxious and depressed; but instead are more resilient, happy, and optimistic (Neff, 2019).
What is Self-Compassion?
“Talk to yourself as you would to someone you Love.”
-Brene Brown
Self-compassion means to be able to relate to yourself in a way that is forgiving, accepting and loving when situations might be less than optimal. It entitles to give yourself some grace when you make mistake like you would to a friend.
I am not saying by any means, that we should not take ownership for our behaviors, deny our faults, or blame others for what happened. Admitting that we are imperfect human beings helps us to be honest with ourselves. Self-compassion also makes us aware that a lot of our actions does not define us as “bad” or good” people; but instead, it teaches us to accept our fallible selves with an open heart. Nonetheless, our actions are influenced, but not limited to our culture, family history, and life circumstances. By being able to accept ourselves at this level, we could be more willing to own our mistakes without fear, because admitting responsibility no longer requires harsh self-criticism for ourselves or seeing ourselves as “bad” (Neff, 2019).
According to Kristin Neff, there are 3 components of Self-Compassion:
Self-Kindness: Taking a warm and understanding approach to ourselves when we are suffering, rather than being our harshly self-critical.
Common Humanity: A key element of self-compassion is to recognize that suffering and inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. We all experience different levels and types of pain. We are all fallible humans who shared similar vulnerabilities, fears, loss, and frustrations. We are not alone!
Mindfulness: It is the ability to be present in the moment and notice our thoughts feelings and sensations without judgment. Recognizing we are stressed or struggling without being judgmental or over-reacting.
How do we put self-compassion in practice?
-Forgive Yourself: Remind yourself that you are worthy, and valued by others not because you are faultless.
-Value your uniqueness. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Everyone moves at a different pace. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Remember that no one can play your role better than you!
-Be self-aware and practice positive self-talk: Be aware of any negative thoughts, determine where your judgments are coming from, identify your faulty perceptions, challenge yourself with positive thoughts! Make a list of your strengths.
-Express Gratitude: Instead of focusing on things that we do not have, focus on all the things in your life you feel grateful for. You can even start a gratitude journal!
-Have a growth mindset: Take each mistake you make as a growing experience. Remind yourself that to err is human and does not make you a failure. You are still great! Avoid beating yourself for it! Take it as a chance to learn and grow!
-Celebrate your accomplishments: Acknowledge something good you did today or something you feel proud of and give yourself a “Pat on your back”.
-Be Mindful: Do not deny your feelings or suppress them, be aware of them with no judgment about yourself. Honor your feelings! Focus on the present while using your five senses.
-Accept that some days are better than others: Avoid feeling guilty for not being so productive or not being at the “top of your game” some days. We all have some off-days. Take time for self-care if you need to.
-Connect with others: Do not isolate in your pain. Remember that suffering and inadequacy are part of a shared human experience.
-Be Creative: Think of other positive ways you can apply self-compassion to your life!