Why we have the same argument over and over again?
Ever wonder why we can have such strong, opposing views and needs from those closest to us? Have you experienced recurring conflicts with partners, parents, or friends that leave you feeling misunderstood? Researchers and relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, call these types of conflicts perpetual problems. Their findings indicate perpetual problems are ultimately unsolvable and account for 69% of the conflicts partners have. But what does science have to say about these gridlocked arguments? How can we better understand what maintains these perpetual problems in our most important relationships? What can we do to prevent these recurring conflicts from damaging our closest relationships?
Jaak Panksepp, neuroscientist and researcher, discovered 7 distinct emotional command systems present in each person’s brain. Each command system correlates to an important survival function such as rest, self-defense and procreation. These survival functions inform behavioral, physical and emotional responses to everyday events. Our emotional command systems inform our unique and important values, dreams, and needs. Dr. John Gottman labeled each command system, in his book The Relationship Cure, as follows:
Jester: play and fun
Sensualist: attraction and lust
Nest-Builder: affiliation, friendship, care, and nurturing
Commander-in-Chief: dominance, control, and power
Explorer: searching, learning, and goal setting
Energy Czar: getting rest, finding food, and staying healthy
Sentry: vigilance, defense, and avoiding danger
All of us have a little of each of the 7 emotional command systems, with 1-2 very active ones that come most natural to us. The Relationship Cure has a self-assessment to determine your primary emotional command systems. It's common for couples to be drawn to each other for their opposing emotional command systems. For instance, I score very high on the Jester, whereas my husband scores very high on the Sentry. In a way, opposites attract and have the ability to balance one another in wonderfully healthy ways. At the same time, when these emotional command systems inform very important values and dreams, our conflicting ones with our partners can be a source of perpetual arguments. Here is how that played out with my husband and I when I proposed buying a scooter.
Me: “I want to buy a scooter as a transport to work and to take our 12-year-old on rides around the neighborhood. A scooter would be good for the environment and it would be a blast!”
(Here my Jester is screaming out: I WANT MORE FUN IN MY LIFE!)
Husband: “That does not sound safe. I think you should use that money to buy a better bicycle.”
(Here his Sentry is screaming: I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU, THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS!)
The beginning of this discussion did not go as either of us wanted. In fact, it took both of us taking a break from the conversation to think about how we truly felt about the issue (the dream/value within the conflict). It was not until we were able to understand one another’s dreams, values, and needs under the issue that we could come to some sort of a compromise. My husband needed to know how I was going to keep myself safe, which is strongly connected to his active Sentry that informs his need to be vigilant and avoid danger. Purchasing a scooter was representative of one of my core needs and values - play, recreation and fun.
This particular Jester vs. Sentry conflict was not the first and it is likely not the last one my husband and I will have. In this case, we decided to get the scooter :). In other conflicts, it’s made more sense to go with the cautious choice. When we make the goal to better understand each other’s dreams and needs under a perpetual problem, it can bring us closer together and better help us to identify our areas of compromise.
When finding ourselves gridlocked in a perpetual problem, consider asking yourself and the person you’re in conflict with the following questions prepared by the Gottmans:
Do you have any core beliefs, ethics or values that are part of your position on this issue?
Is there a story behind this issue for you? Or does this relate to your background or childhood history in some way?
Tell me why this is so important to you?
What feelings do you have about this issue?
What would be your ideal dream here?
Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
What do you wish for?
What do you need?
Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored?
The bottom line is we want the kind of relationships that honor each other’s differences and support each other’s dreams. Relationships that help make life dreams come true are highly valuable to us and embody unbreakable bonds.