How the Enneagram Can Help You Understand Your Relationship
With summertime around the corner, you may be considering fun activities to do with your partner or spouse. Do you find that considering this leads to thoughts of “we won’t agree on the same date night activity” or “what if we just end up arguing the whole time?”. Learning about your enneagram personality type, and your partners, can further your understanding of how the two of you collide. The enneagram can provide answers to why you find your partner’s carefree attitude so irritating, or why your husband has to load the dishwasher a particular way. Let’s review a bit of the Enneagram’s history and share some examples.
The Enneagram is an ancient personality system brought to life in the 20th century by a teacher named George Gurdjieff who developed the 9 pointed enneagram figure. In the 1970s Oscar Ichazo and Claudio Naranjo, a psychiatrist, added to the work and joined the principles of the Enneagram with Western psychology features. The enneagram believes that while we can evolve and become healthier versions of ourselves, we are essentially born with a certain personality disposition. There is no ideal or undesirable personality type with the enneagram and all have their strengths and weaknesses. When a couple comes to know and accept their personality types, they are more likely to accept and understand another person’s behavior.The enneagram is a light-hearted way to discuss and accept personality differences within your partnership.
Let’s look at a couple examples:
An enneagram 7, Sarah, loves to have a busy social calendar. She is known among her friends as being an optimist, helping others see the glass half full and finds humor in stressful situations. Sarah becomes regularly frustrated with her partner, enneagram 5 Seth, for being quiet and withdrawn at social events. Sarah feels pressure to check on him at events or stay close to him because she doesn’t want to leave him by himself. Sarah wishes Seth would be more independent while Sarah works the room. Seth feels misunderstood because he is okay with listening more than talking or simply people watching at a party. Actually, Seth prefers it that way and doesn’t like when people ask him too many personal questions. Through understanding the enneagram, Sarah can understand that she is an extravert and feels nurtured when being socially engaged. Understanding Seth’s enneagram means that Sarah can leave Seth on his own at a party and not feel bad about it. It is a part of Seth’s personality to be content not being overly social. It may mean that Sarah attends some events on her own, or puts more quiet events for quality time on their calendar.
Let’s look at another example between Emily and Jake. Jake, an enneagram 3, is a competitive and hardworking entrepreneur who puts many hours in at the office. Jake is a leader at work and is energized by competition and accomplishment. Emily, enneagram 6, believes Jake doesn’t know when to stop working. Emily becomes regularly frustrated with Jake’s long hours at the office and finds herself worried and imagining the worse case scenario when it comes to Jake’s late night hours. Emily thrives in routine and consistency and can become anxious when plans, such as a weeknight dinner, aren’t followed through. Emily is fiercely loyal and reliable with her relationships because she understands how unsettling it can be to have inconsistency. Understanding the enneagram would help Jake provide that validation and consistency with Emily knowing that those needs are a part of her personality, not because he is doing something wrong. Understanding the enneagram 3 helps Emily understand that Jake is inspired by hard work and may get lost in the work and it isn’t personal to concerning if he spends a bit more time at the office.
If you’d like to learn more about the enneagram, check out The Road Back to You by Ian Crone and Suzanne Strobile where much of this information is from.
Aeriel Feeback, LCSW