Ignoring the weeds
This past spring we had some dandelions pop up near our sidewalk. After my kids admired the “pretty flowers” I went after them with a garden shovel and tried to rid the little devils. Of course a couple weeks and a few good rains later they came back with a vengeance. Weeds can feel impossible to get rid of. We use so many measures to keep them at bay like lawn treatments, weed mat, rocks, and mulch. When in reality weeds have the same basic necessities as flowers: water and sunshine. If both were totally removed it is likely they could not survive.
In my practice with parents I have always used this silly metaphor of weeds in the garden and equated them to attention-seeking behaviors. Often these behaviors that drive us the most crazy also seem impossible to get rid of. To make it worse, behaviors like whining, clinging, and baby talk among others tend to happen when we have the least amount of patience to deal with them. They seem to never change no matter how much we attempt to “punish” them away.
While I recognize it is not a simple task, I strongly encourage families to intentionally ignore these behaviors. Often our attention, even if negative in nature such as yelling, demanding the behavior stop, time-outs, removal of privileges etc, fuel the fire for these behaviors. By addressing them at all, they gain power. However, by taking away ALL attention from these weedy behaviors, trust they will go away in time. Not overnight. Not even the next week. But after repeated lack of attention (the water and sunshine) these weeds will not survive. As a mom, trust me I get how hard this is. I can also attest that it works. The ignoring strategy is most successful when you can distract, redirect or praise the positive opposite of the behavior when it occurs too. For example whining about being bored. When our children are busy with activities, games, toys etc this is our time to give them positive attention and recognition. “Wow Charlotte I love how you came up with a fun craft to make this afternoon. You are so creative!’. Then when Charlotte is whining and complaining the next day about nothing to do, we ignore the whining and wait for her to change her tone to something more positive and we redirect back her positive behavior from the day before. “ I remember yesterday how creative you were with the bead project, I love when you find fun things to do”.
Again, remember this is not an overnight change and takes lots of effort on our part but in time you can feel more confident and weed free :)