Like Ships in the Night: When Couples Feel So Far from So Close
It’s no secret that long-lasting love takes work and determination. Often at the beginning of a relationship, we are smitten with our partners. We might think “no disagreement will ever drive us apart” “or “our love is stronger than any conflict we might face”. Yet, after time passes, an argument here, a disagreement there, we might experience a drifting away from each other – yearning for the closeness we felt at the beginning of our love story.
Mat Kearney writes about this drifting in his song Like Ships in the Night:
Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close
Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me trying to find the light
Like ships in the night
How do we avoid the drift? How do we weather the relationship conflicts that leave us feeling alone? How do we move closer to our partners instead of further away?
Consider these three tips:
1.Turn Towards Instead of Away
Relationship expert and researcher, John Gottman, found that the couples with long-lasting love turn towards each other’s bids for connection at least 86% of the time. He found that marriages who turned away (ignored their partner’s bids) or turned against (responded in contempt or criticism) in much higher numbers were likely to divorce within seven years of marriage. Make a habit of turning towards your partner, put down your phone, quiet the criticism, and be attentive to their bids for connection.
2. Refocus the Dialogue
When a disagreement happens, make the goal to better understand your partner’s perspective. Offer your perspective with compassion instead of trying to prove your angle. One of the most difficult things for couples in conflict to consider is that while their individual perspective is valid and real, their partner can have a completely different angle that is just as valid. Try refocusing the dialogue on valuing and understanding both perspectives equally. Same expert, Gottman, found that 69% of a couple’s re-occurring arguments are not resolvable. Fortunately, resolving conflict is not an indicator of long-lasting love. But allowing your partner to influence you is. Our relationships benefit when we focus our efforts on managing our conflicts with empathy and compassion, as opposed to making the goal resolution and proving who is right.
3. Make Repair Attempts During and After Arguments
When an argument starts to get heated, try making a “repair attempt” to de-escalate the tension. Gottman describes a repair attempt as any verbal or physical action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. For some couples, well-timed self-deprecating humor works great. For others, physical touch like a hug or hand squeeze helps to ease the tension. Taking responsibility for your part in the argument can also help de-escalate the negativity. For more repair attempt ideas see Gottman’s Repair Checklist:
