Lions and Tigers and Toddlers, oh my!
Toddlerhood; a time notorious for frustrations, meltdowns and simply surviving. With this long held reputation, there's gotta be something to it, right? According to the science of development, there is absolutely something to it!
Developmentally, toddlers begin to separate themselves from others and begin to assert themselves, desiring independence and full decision-making authority. This leads to frustration, defiance and inability to understand when “no means no”. Despite these frustrations, know these behaviors are a healthy and normal part of development. A toddler needs to “push” the limits in order to understand where the limits are. Toddlers also gain a sense of security when learning they can anticipate and expect the same, consistent responses from their environment. While keeping in mind how normal and even healthy toddler behaviors are, follow these steps below to lessen the blow.
Model the behavior you want to see.
Imagine your child is in a boat in rough waters. The child cannot manage the boat alone, they aren’t old enough yet and haven't learned how. Your child needs to tether to someone older who knows how to get to calm waters. If you’re worked up and frustrated at your child, your own waters will be rough and choppy. Now picture two boats tethered together in rough waters. That doesn’t work very well. However if a boat in calm seas is able to bring the other boat out of their rough waters and into the calm, both boats can enjoy the calm waters. This is how co-regulation works. By maintaining a calm presence and modeling calm behavior, your child can tether to you and feel this sense of calm.
Observe their state of mind.
If your toddler is worked up-screaming, crying, throwing things, stomping etc, these all indicate they are operating out of their fight-or-flight brain, the amygdala. When this portion of the brain is engaged, the prefrontal cortex (thinking, listening, problem-solving part) goes “offline”. Don’t waste your breath when a child is visibly upset. They are quite literally unable to hear you well. Instead, keep statements simple and focus on co-regulation.
Expect limit testing.
As mentioned before, testing limits is a healthy part of toddlerhood and allows the child to learn what they can expect from their environment. Testing limits is not disrespect or defiance, its development.
Keep it simple. Acknowledge the feeling and state set the limit. Example: “You can be upset, but you cannot throw things”. *removes blocks from the child's hands and pulls the child into lap for co-regulation.
Do not wait to see if the child will listen and stop throwing the toys. They are wired to test limits. Instead of watching to see if they listen( and probably making yourself more irritated in the process) simply remove the toys from their reach to prevent further throwing. Another example: “You can be mad. I will not let you hit me”. Enforcing this boundary will look like gently but firmly holding their hand to prevent hitting again. It does not look like “do not hit mommy!” and testing them to see if they will listen, because they inevitably won’t!
Use “ if___ then____” statements.
If your child wants to take their shoes off at the park and tries to after being told no, say “if you take off your shoes, then we are all done at the park”. If they take off their shoes, you simply pick them up and leave the park. No need to explain, yell or continue to tell them “no” over and over again. No fight or escalated frustration is necessary.
If you consistently implement the tips above and still have concerns about your child’s behavior, consult your pediatrician or a child therapist for further assessment and support. Sensory sensitivities or developmental delays may be contributing to your child’s behavior.
- Aeriel Feeback, LSCSW, RPT
Further learning:
-The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson
-How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber and Mazlish