My Child Disclosed Abuse. What now?

As we bring Child Abuse Prevention Month to a close, I want to address one really important topic with parents and caregivers: disclosures of abuse.

How do we respond to them?

What do we do with them?

How do we cope, as the caregiver, when our focus is our child?

In the fiscal year of 2020, Children’s Division in Missouri, investigated 1,571 cases for physical abuse and 1,514 cases for sexual abuse. The National Children’s Alliance states that nearly 700,000 children are abused in the U.S each year, though we know this number to likely be higher statistically, as a percentage of cases are unreported. While this information is not to be shared to startle anyone, I share to bring awareness. No parent wants to ever deal with abuse of their child, but should you or someone you care about ever find this to be your reality, I want to provide some brief tips on how to cope.

How to respond if your child discloses abuse

When parents are faced with the sudden trauma of their child disclosing abuse, the most appropriate and automatic response is to go into fight/flight/freeze mode. Please hear me when I say- this is okay. That is normal. Take a deep breath.

The first thing and most important thing to do is listen. Fight the urge to ask the 1,700 questions that are circling your brain at rapid speeds. Listen to them, quietly. If you do ask a question, it is imperative that it is not leading. That’s those questions where you basically tell your child the answer you want to hear in the question.

Reassure them that they are not in trouble for disclosing. This is not their fault.

If the disclosure is delayed for quite some time, please, please, please refrain from asking “why didn’t you tell me” or “you should have told me sooner”. They know, and they didn’t tell you because they were afraid to upset you. This has nothing to do with anything you, as their parent, did or didn’t do. This is normal.

Thank them for telling you. Remind them that you are there to keep them safe, and if they ever have more to share, you are always there to listen. Disclosures may come out in pieces, little bits at a time, and knowing that you are there to listen with open arms and ears, is important.

What do to with the disclosure your child just made

I want to make this section super simple, because this part is always very overwhelming for parents. Once your child discloses abuse, the following are the 3 steps recommend to get the appropriate things in place.

1. Make a report to the Child Protective Services Agency in the state of which you live in.

a. Kansas Child Abuse & Neglect Hotline: 1-800-922-5330

b. Missouri Child Abuse & Neglect Hotline: 1-800-392-3738

2. Make a police report to the jurisdiction in which the abuse happened.

a. If you are unsure if your child’s disclosure warrants a report, you can always call and ask.

3. Contact the Safety, Care, & Nurturing Clinic at Children’s Mercy Hospital to determine if your child qualifies and/or needs a medical exam.

a. SCAN Clinic: 816-983-6464

These are just the first few steps that are important to take following a disclosure. Once these are completed, if there are more steps required or recommended, those will be advised by the investigators assigned to your case. Don’t worry, you don’t have to do this alone. If you are unsure about making reports or if your child’s disclosure warrants a report, skip to #3. The team at SCAN Clinic will help you determine what’s needed for your child.

How to cope, as the caregiver, when you’re trying to focus on your child

The #1 thing I hear most often when working with parents and caregivers whose children have disclosed abuse is, “I’m not okay, but I have to be for them.” If you are not okay, that is okay. That is normal in this circumstance. To expect yourself to feel pain for your child and be strong and resilient, is unfair. You will best support your child when you are also supporting you. Lean on your support group. Find your own therapist. Journal your feelings. Whatever you need to do to work through your own feelings around this trauma, do it. It is not selfish to need help yourself. Seeking your own help in times of pain and chaos so you can be the best you for your child is the most selfless thing you can do as a parent.

So, should you ever find yourself dealing with a disclosure of abuse from your child, know there are resources out there. You will not have to do it alone.

Leslie Thompson, LCSW, LSCSW