Mother’s Day and Father’s Day - Source of Happiness and Sadness
When we think of Mother’s and Father’s Day (MD/FD), we think of cards and flowers, maybe brunch with the family member, ways to celebrate a happy occasion. However, in my practice as a psychotherapist, I have learned that MD/FD can be very painful if the loved one is absent. People who have lost a parent or child, who are struggling with infertility, or have a strained or even cut-off relationship with their parents or child(ren) are “excluded” from celebrating the parent/child relationship.
For those who are privileged to have intact relationships, it can be hard to empathize with those who are “excluded” from joyously celebrating these holidays. In the US, we have come to the agreement that it is non-inclusive to use the seasonal greeting “Merry Christmas” and have substituted it with “Happy Holidays” in order to respect others’ lived experience. When it comes to MD/FD, there is no escaping the painful reminder of a lost relationship or role. Since MD/FD are highly commercialized holidays, commercials and ads, billboards and specials in the grocery store act as constant reminders from April through June that “you are missing out”.
With this blog post, I would like to validate the painful emotions that can come with the absence of a desired relationship and at the same time raise awareness that not everybody has the privilege of being a parent or having a (healthy) relationship with their parents or child(ren) and thereby.
Here are a few ideas how you can show your awareness and consideration:
If you know somebody who is struggling with infertility, or someone who has lost a parent or child (to death or a cut-off relationship), ask them how they are doing. Be willing to listen if they want to talk.
Have conversations with people about what MD/FD means to them. This allows you to be supportive.
Don’t assume that someone doesn’t want to talk about it. Oftentimes people who are hurting don’t want to burden others with their problems but do appreciate it if a person does reach out.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it is even more important to address it. While it can be uncomfortable to talk about loss and grief, opening the channels of conversation is rewarding for both parties.
Natalie Msechu, LSCSW, CGP
Resources:
KC Infertility - https://www.KCInfertility.org - COMMUNITY. EDUCATION. SUPPORT. Dedicated to parents-in-waiting in the Kansas City area who are striving to build their families.
Grief Support Network - https://www.griefsupportnetwork.org/