Should I go to couples counseling on my own?
As a marriage counselor, I often see one partner who is seeking out marriage counseling while the other is apprehensive or unwilling to attend counseling sessions. This can lead the engaged partner to feel frustrated and helpless to fix the relationship, eventually leading to a possible feeling of hopelessness that things will never get any better. Questions like, do they still love me, why don't they want to talk, and should I stay with someone who isn't willing to seek help are all common concerns. While the best situation for couples counseling would be to involve both partners, there are ways to create meaningful changes and to find more happiness within the relationship by seeing a counselor individually.
Does not going to couples counseling mean they don't love me?
There are many reasons your partner might choose not to attend marriage counseling. They might worry that counseling will start arguments and make things worse, feeling that the status quo is better than what could come out. They might think that they will be teamed up against by the counselor and partner, or that they will be blamed for all of the issues in the marriage. They might just not feel comfortable sharing their problems, thoughts, and feelings with someone they don't know. So their decision to not attend counseling doesn't in itself mean that they aren't committed to the relationship. As you are talking with your partner about marriage counseling you can anticipate some of these concerns and speak with them about it. You can say that counselors aren't there to place blame. You can say that it is better to get concerns out in the open and that the status quo isn't satisfactory.
How can marriage counseling help if it's only me attending sessions?
If either partner in a relationship makes changes, then the dynamics of the relationship will also change. Going to counseling as an individual to work on your relationship can help you to better handle conflict, communicate, empathize, set boundaries, and find happiness within a struggling relationship. As you change how you are in the relationship the dynamics of the relationship might also change. You might find things about yourself or your past that you didn't know were impacting the relationship. You might also work to find and build strength to be more vocal and engaged in the relationship. Working individually on the relationship does not mean that you or your therapist think the problems are all your fault. It is just acknowledging that relationships are built by two partners, and can be changed by one or both partners. Also, as your partner sees you attending counseling they might become more inclined to join in the future.
I don't even know if I want to stay in this marriage
It is common during high conflict times of marriage to question if you want to keep fighting or if your relationship is past any hope of recovery. If you find yourself with these questions swirling around your head it can build into severe anxiety and depression. Your counselor can help you clarify these questions in your mind, explore your fears and hopes for the relationship, and build strategies to address your concerns rather than allowing them to pull you into depressed and anxious states.