Side With Yourself: The Art of Self-Compassion
Most of us are being bullied––with mean taunts about our bodies, criticism of our efforts, and judgments about who we are. This attacking voice follows us everywhere, always ready to point out millions of ways we aren’t good enough. Of course, the terrible voice is our own.
Unfortunately, we humans tend to believe what our brains tell us. So it’s easy NOT to question crappy things we say to ourselves, and decide that we actually know how awful we really are. We’re just being honest with ourselves, right?
Guess what. Every single one of us has thoughts of being less-than. It’s universal to feel unsure, to mess up, to disappoint, to hurt and be hurt, and to have the sense that other people are doing things better than we are. Self-shaming, bullying, and beating ourselves up isn’t the same as being honest with ourselves. Instead, being honest requires an acknowledgment that we aren’t alone in feeling less than perfect.
Why does it matter? The habit of negative self-talk and putting ourselves down decreases feelings of well-being, and increases suffering, anxiety, and depression (which leads to more negative self-talk). The world is hard enough––why make it worse by ganging up on yourself? To flip the script and walk away from that bully inside you, it can really help to show yourself some compassion. If you like this idea, but don’t know where to start (lots of people don’t), here are 3 good ways to talk to yourself differently:
Be a friend.
Think about someone you love. A best friend, a partner, a family member, or a child you adore. Would you treat this person with care and concern? With empathy…understanding…kindness? Would you be gentle with them when they’re hurt? Could you reassure and support them? Okay, now imagine the sound of your voice as you talk to them…would it be soft and comforting? If so, this is what compassion looks like. You deserve the same soft-hearted treatment from yourself! So when your inner-bully shows up, take your own side instead of throwing more punches. You can tell yourself, “wow, that was mean, you didn’t deserve that” or “hey, not fair, you did the best you could.” Remind yourself how hard you’re working and tell yourself it’s okay. Give yourself the benefit of a doubt. Cut yourself some slack. Be your own good friend.
Go easy.
If you aren’t in the habit of showing yourself kindness, it may take time to reduce mean, automatic thoughts. It takes practice and repetition. Just like drinking water is a daily act, so is balancing self-criticism with greater self-respect. Instead of beating yourself up for beating yourself up, try thinking “I’m still learning how to protect myself, this will take time” or “I can be hard on myself, but I know I don’t deserve it.” Changing self-talk can be challenging, and it won’t happen immediately. Even when it comes to going easy on yourself, allow for mistakes along the way.
See the whole picture.
Life is complicated. Try to resist the urge to blame any given event on an imagined character flaw. Let’s say you missed a deadline at work. Self-Critical You might say, “I’m such an idiot.” But Self-Compassionate You would understand that you haven’t been feeling well, your cat ran away, and you’ve been helping your sister move. This isn’t making excuses for yourself, it’s seeing the whole picture and considering everything you were trying to balance. Calling yourself an idiot doesn’t allow for life events that contributed to a very human error.
With every bullying thought, you can make a choice. Will you allow self-judgments to injure you, or take your own side to defend the tender, imperfect, complicated, worthy person you are? Next time bullying shows up, you have the power to stick up for yourself like a protective friend. You deserve nothing less.