The Power of Pleasure: Prioritizing Pleasure Over Orgasm 

A common pattern with heterosexual sex is that the man utilizes foreplay to get his partner just wet enough so that he can begin intercourse which typically lasts 6-12 minutes with a guaranteed orgasm on his end, but not so much for the woman. This pattern is the bare minimum of what sex can be for couples. Fortunately for both parties involved, sex can be more enjoyable for the long haul if orgasm is not the primary goal.  

When we focus on pleasure as the goal, it allows for long term success in a sexual relationship. Think about it, over the course of your life there are many things environmentally and biologically that can impact your sexual function. Sickness, erectile dysfunction, menopause, stress, medications, etc. When orgasm becomes the only goal, it can set us up for failure to have pleasurable experiences. It is best to start now, prior to the potential biological and environmental challenges start to impact your sex lives. Here are some examples of ways to increase pleasure and not focus solely on orgasm. 

One contributor to experiencing pleasure is feeling comfortable in your own nude body. Many people are uncomfortable naked, which can impact their ability to relax and enjoy the pleasure they are receiving. So, one tool to increase comfort around being naked with your partner, is to have conversation while naked. Allow the space for you guys to sit and talk in the nude about some of the best sexual experiences you guys have had together. Hold hands, place your hand on the other’s thigh or shoulder and focus on positive sexual experiences you two have had together. Reminisce and remind yourselves why you find the other so attractive, sexual, or erotic. Doing this can help to put you into a sexual mindset with your partner and can be erotic in nature to talk in detail about some of the best sex you have had.  

Another skill that can be utilized to help increase pleasure is non-demand pleasure. Non-demand pleasure is setting time aside for you and your partner to really enjoy touching and feeling one another without the expectation of sex or even orgasm at the end (if it leads to orgasm that is okay, but it is not the goal). Quite literally, pleasure is the ONLY goal here. When you take the pressure of sex off the table, it often allows for both parties to feel more relaxed and enjoy being touched without the expectation to have intercourse. Take turns spending 10-15 minutes touching one another with your finger tips, palm of hand, lips, tongue or even a feather if you would like. Vocalize the touches you like and want more of and acknowledge the touches you don’t care for as much. Take turns giving and receiving pleasure one to three times. If vocalizing what you like or don’t like during the act of being touched feels too uncomfortable for you, take some time after you guys are finished to discuss what you liked and didn’t like. By talking about the experience, you get to help educate your partner on what feels pleasurable to you and what does not. Ideally, you both would implement these type of touches into your regular sexual encounters to enhance pleasure when intercourse is a part of the experience.  

It is also important to understand that there are different types of touch that keep you physically connected to your partner. These five types of touch include: affection, sensual touch playful touch, erotic touch, and intercourse. Most people do a great job at showing affection and having intercourse, but often miss out on all the other fun touching that can occur. Affection includes touches like hugging, hand holding, kisses… basically the type of touch you can do in public or at your mom’s house. Sensual touch includes cuddling, massages, and softly rubbing on ones forearm or leg. These types of touch typically occur at home, with some clothing or no clothing and are non-genital touches. Playful touch includes a mixture of non-genital and genital touches. This can include dancing together, smacking each other’s butt, grazing someone’s breasts or penis as you walk by, or taking a shower/bath together where you wash each other’s bodies. Erotic touch is manual and oral stimulation of the genitals. This type of touch can also include a man or woman’s nipples or anus. Intercourse is exactly how is sounds. Engaging in all forms of touch to a level that feels comfortable for you and your partner can help to take some of the focus off of intercourse alone and can increase pleasure with your sexual experiences.  

I’m not saying that every time you have sex it should be the best sex of your life. However, the best sex often includes feeling comfortable in your own skin, enjoying pleasurable touch from your partner, and understanding how the different types of touch impact your partner. I hope you can use these skills to help enhance your sex life for the long haul, knowing that no matter what happens in life you know how to be pleased and please your partner as well. 

-Morgan Twidwell

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