“Too Muchness”
Too muchness. This has been a repeating theme in my interactions with others over the past several weeks. My response to this is, show me. Show me the ‘too emotional’, the ‘cares too much’, the ‘too loving’, the ‘too angry’, the ‘too childish’--this is what I wish to see in people. There, somewhere in the ‘too muchness’ is the part of us desperately needing us to show up. My goal as a supportive witness, is to find trailheads that lead people back to themselves. The authentic self is always the goal, but it is buried under cloaks of social expectation, social construct and mirrors of mirrors.
I happen to believe that the ‘too muchness’ is a direct link to our authentic self. When that part feels seen, understood, and supported--the confidence of the client’s self energy peers through and I watch a small shift into a more regulated nervous system. The courage to be vulnerable with me, to show me the too muchness is something that I truly love about being a therapist. The micro shifts, the release of stuckness and notable relief in posture are very small integrative changes. With these changes comes less rigidity and more space in our organism.
One of my most curious discoveries over the past six months is the concept of toxic positivity. The idea that my comfort matters more than your reality. Dr. Susan David states, “Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they’re really saying is, My comfort is more important than your reality”. I could read this every day for the rest of my life and still be blown away by its powerful message. I believe that the phenomenon, ‘toxic positivity’, has had a direct impact on persons believing that they are “too much”--or overtly being told that they are “too much”.
As someone who is learning, who is working on being mindful of my tendency to want to fix, I find it comforting to have a list of things to avoid. So, I will share a few here with you. Phrases like, “look at the bright side”, “let it go”, “don’t be so negative” (eye roll), “It could be worse”, “find the silver lining”--all of these could be categorized as toxic positivity statements. Instead, try to validate an experience with words like, “it’s okay to feel the way that you feel”, “that must have been really hard for you”, “I’m sorry that happened”, “this is a really tough moment/season”. I’m wondering if we could simply acknowledge the hurt instead of shielding ourselves from it, then people would feel more accepted for who they are, and less ‘too muchness’.
I would like to challenge you to be aware of statements of forced positivity throughout the next days and weeks. Call it out, if it feels safe to do so, and offer an alternative. What we say, matters, and our intent matters. The next time you start to notice, ‘too muchness’ in yourself or someone you love, instead of shielding from it, be curious about it, validate it and watch the shift that happens when that person (or yourself) feels seen. It can be truly transformative.
Haylie S. Colby, LCSW, LSCSW