Valentine’s Day is Like a Box of Chocolates
February 14th––one big sugary mix of yum and ick. Depending on who you ask, the day can prompt eye rolls, excitement, anxiety, sadness, or the whole deluxe jumbo assortment. It can be a holiday rich with meaning, or just a painful reminder of less-than-great relationships, lost loves, broken ties, and feelings of isolation. Something for everyone.
From the moment we all traded valentines in grade school, this holiday has managed to make or break how loved we feel. Yeah, nope. It doesn’t get to do that any more. Cupid’s in time out. If Valentine’s Day is a great day for you, fantastic. If not, you are anything but alone––even though it may feel that way.
For every single person on earth––in a romantic relationship or not––loneliness happens. A study at the University of Chicago found that negative thoughts about interpersonal situations were strong predictors of feeling alone. It turns out that just thinking differently is a really powerful way to feel more connected. It’s good to begin by noticing thoughts that keep you apart from others…thoughts like, everyone has a partner but me, or valentines are only for romantic relationships, or other people have more to celebrate than I do, can make you feel excluded no matter who is around. So instead of assuming you’re the only one in your situation, observe those thoughts and reach out to someone you care about.
Loneliness isn’t the same as being alone, though … you can be with others and still feel lonely. Or be alone and not feel lonely at all. The difference seems to be in the conclusions we’ve reached, the stories we tell ourselves, and whether or not we’re curious about the feelings of others instead of solely thinking about our own experience. A shift in thought and action can be enormously helpful.
John Cacioppo, once a University of Chicago psychologist, developed the acronym EASE to help feel a little more connected in lonely times:
E is for “extend yourself,” even if it’s only a little bit at a time. Send a text. Leave a note for someone. Offer your help. Try something new.
A is for “have an action plan.” Recognize and accept that it’s hard for you, and remember that it’s impossible to be loved or even liked by everyone. No judgment on you. So simply ask others about themselves, or give to the world when it isn’t giving to you. It can feel surprisingly good to show up for other people, volunteer, or do something nice without an agenda or expectations.
S is for “seek similar people.” People are drawn to others who have shared interests, values, and activities. Just being open and receptive can make a difference.
E is for “expect the best” even when that’s not your first impulse. Sometimes when we assume the worst of people, they deliver. But given a chance, life can surprise.
When faced with a jumbled box of chocolates, you deserve the good stuff as much as anyone else.
-Penny Howard, LPC