Animal Instinct
There it is again. That pesky, suffocating, almost intolerable tightness in my throat. You know, the tightness that happens before you cry? It’s becoming so familiar that sometimes I forget it’s there. My system stuck in a steady state of what I affectionately call ‘functional anxiety’. This throat sensation is relentless and seemingly necessary, a protective part of my survival through a stressful day. On really bad days, it accelerates. My limbs become shaky and cold, yet I can’t stop sweating--which exacerbates both cold and shaky. A surge of energy pulsing through my body with each heartbeat, paradoxically the feeling of paralysis takes over where my clothes touch my skin. I now feel out of control and frightened--I find the will to inconspicuously walk to the bathroom, where I find solace behind the loosely locked public bathroom stall. Breathe and cry; rinse and repeat.
This has been my lived experience. The more I push away, avoid--and I’m GREAT at avoiding, run from or try to ignore what is pathologized as ‘anxiety’, the bigger the shadow grows and the heavier I feel.
I am a privileged student of Somatic Experiencing, which has taught me to gently and compassionately begin to trust my body. It has shifted the way I think about and notice reactivity in my body and allows me to consider that my response is by ‘design’. We, as animals, have a system that is created for survival with protective nervous systems states; best known as flight, fight and freeze. These nervous system states respond in ways that ‘always make sense’. Please take that in for a second, “YOU MAKE SENSE”. For me, those three words mean everything.
As I continue to learn more about my nervous system states, how they show up for me to defend and protect, my curiosity comes online. I can now be curious about the constant tapping of my right leg as I sit impatiently in a waiting room, or the soothing/sensory experience of eating and how often I use food or drink in an attempt to attain regulation or balance. For me, it has been a lot of trial and error to determine what works for my system, and what is a complete flop.
For example, I dove head first into meditation--which was, in a word, disastrous! I had to learn that unless my system has been able to move/exercise first, it fights me as I attempt to sit still and ‘clear my mind’. Now I run in the mornings, and when I return home I can sit and participate in a 7-10 minute guided meditation. Both exercise and meditation have extraordinary value for my system.
Let me explain. Usually, when our heart rate is elevated our neuroreceptors typically detect threat and we shift into a flight or fight energy, to avoid predators of course. Unfortunately perceived threat is just as potent and our bodies don’t know the difference. The activated response is the same, especially if we have a history of ‘trauma’. An elevated heart rate can light up fight or flight protective energy (autonomic) response. So, when I take the time to compassionately and intentionally elevate my heart rate, I can teach my body that sometimes when my heart rate is above 130 there is no threat. In fact, I am quite safe. The more I practice this, the more my system ‘learns’ how to come down from activation when experiencing anxiety. We are teaching or rewiring that part of ourselves. As the saying goes, ‘repetition rewires the brain’. Furthermore, when I set aside 10 minutes of my day to slow down and pay attention in a meditation practice, I am teaching my body that it is safe to be in this state of dorsal vagal; or immobility. Again, giving my body permission to safely flow through the nervous system states and back into a socially engaged and present state.
Other ways that we can work toward a regulated or balanced nervous system state is to be around someone who makes us feel safe (coregulate). This can be a teacher/mentor, a therapist, a friend, a partner, or a parent. If you don’t have a safe person in your life, perhaps you have a pet that you love and feel safe around. Connecting with nature can also be resourcing and helpful for us to feel more safe. Music and gentle movement can regulate us into safety, even if for just a few minutes--it is so helpful to allow your system to ‘land’.
The more we can practice self regulation, the more our system will learn how to get there, developing new neural pathways into what Stephen Porges calls ventral vagal, or a socially engaged state. However, it does need to be a titrated effort, scaffolding each experience to gradually and safely increase regulation. Too much, too soon, too fast can bump us back into old habits, trauma and further solidify our system’s ‘need for protection’. So, please be patient with yourself and take it slowly.
One last bit, it is ideal to have access to any of the nervous system states, they are so important. Please don’t think of them as ‘good or bad’; they are automatically there for us without thinking, and they are fiercely protective. Unfortunately, we can get stuck, and need some support finding regulation and accessing safety. That’s when movement, coregulation, therapy, or something more peaceful such as yoga or meditation can be really helpful.
Next time you feel stuck or notice activation, be curious. We can all be students of our bodies and continue to learn how to strike the ever-changing balance of ‘regulation’.
Haylie S. Colby, LCSW, LSCSW