Supporting Your Child Through Big Emotions

It can be really hard for a lot of parents to know exactly what to do when our children are having really big emotions. I mean, the big ones. The ones where it feels out of proportion to what happened.  The screaming, the crying, the yelling, the hitting, the thrashing of their bodies.   

What do we do? How do we stay calm? How do we keep them safe?    

Keep yourself calm during the tantrum 

Sit with this for a second:  a dysregulated adult, cannot help regulate a child.  

If you as the parent are feeling emotionally charged during a moment of big emotions/tantrum/meltdown, the first step in assisting your child is to regulate yourself. Take some deep breaths. Relax your body. Remind yourself, “I can handle this. I am safe.” Sometimes we need a moment to just be silent and collect ourselves before we jump into action. This is okay. Take the minute. When you feel lighter, safer, and secure in that moment, you will be far more successful in assisting your child. 

Validate the emotion 

State their feeling, because it is okay to feel that way. 

Children do not make the conscious choice to experience negative emotions. They are having a response to something that occurred, that they simply processed differently than you. 

Avoid telling your child, “this is nothing to be mad about”, “this is supposed to be fun, not sad”, or “you need to calm down”. Instead, try statements like “you are angry, I am here.” “I see that you are so sad. That is okay.” 

Create space for aggressive behaviors 

When your child is flailing, trying to hit/kick/bite, or just being aggressive in the moment- create space. 

Do not become the punching bag. You can be with them during this moment without having to sit right next to them or have hands on, if it is unsafe to do so. As you create space, try saying “I can’t let you hit me, but I am here to help you.” This shows your child that you’re taking control of your body and your space, and modeling what we want them to do. Avoid saying “don’t hit”, “we don’t hit”, “you don’t need to hit”. It is likely to only increase the behavior in that moment.  

Model coping skills 

When children are wound up, giving commands can create a lot of noise in the moment and they likely don’t hear you. Instead, show them what to do by doing it yourself.  

Take big deep breaths as you’re looking at them. Pretty soon, they will join you. Be patient, it will happen. Hand them a stress ball, as you squeeze your own. Extend your arms inviting physical touch for them to accept when they are ready. Demonstrate positive talk, “I am here, you’re okay.” “You are safe. I can help you.” 

Keep processing simple 

If you are going to process a moment of big emotions that got really big- keep it simple.  

Avoid replaying the incident in detail and criticizing the behavior that occurred.  

Keep it simple by validating their feelings and reminding them that safety is most important. Ask the question “How can I help you stay safe next time?”   

Big emotions can be overwhelming when we feel like it’s our responsibilities as parents to control the moment. If we stay calm and model appropriate behaviors and responses, our child is more likely to learn from that moment without a lot of debriefing. Consistent support and healthy coping skills will help kids manage their big emotions in time.  

So the next time your child experiences big emotions- start with you, validate, create space, model, and keep it simple.  

You’ve got this.  

Leslie Thompson, LCSW, LSCSW