Baseball as Self Care

I started playing baseball at six years old. For the next decade, it was my passion and my safe place in a world filled with pain and abuse. Playing, practicing, and working out filled almost all my time. Then when I was 15, my arm stopped working. I remember the moment when everything changed. I had just pitched a two-hitter. I thought I heard God said, "You're not gonna play sports after high school." It might have just been the thought of losing my passion, but my life changed that moment.

Within a week, I could not throw from second to first in the air. I kept playing through high school, but I soon rotated through every position on the field to hide the weakness in my arm. My shoulder pain quickly expanded until I was diagnosed with chronic tendonitis down both my arms and across my chest. Hours and hours of physical therapy & rest did not bring relief. 

Shortly after my injury, I started writing songs and playing guitar, leading to years of touring and over 1,000 shows. In response to my baseball injury, I approached every moment like it could be my last. My can't stop, won't stop the fear of losing what I loved drove me around the country at a frantic pace.  

Strangely, my tendonitis never surfaced during my very active rock and roll antics. Still, any time I threw a ball for the last 20 years, my arm would pop,  be filled with sharp pain, and I would slink back into defeat. 

Last year I started grad school to become a marriage and family therapist. I found myself reading "The Body Keeps The Score" and "The Whole-Brain Child." While sitting outside doing homework at a coffee shop, it hit me. In high school, when my arm stopped working, maybe, just maybe, my body had experienced a trauma response and not divine intervention. 

This curious thought set off a quest, if my body had responded to trauma, maybe healing was possible. I processed my loss with a therapist, revisiting my memories through EMDR and myofascial release, addressing what I believed was unchangeable. 

This spring, I ended up reading an instagram post by Jason Kander about playing adult baseball. A day later, after some fascinating research and phone calls, I signed up for a league. I was very tentative. What would happen? Would pain all race back the first time I threw a ball? It turns out my muscles were just sore like anyone who hasn't played a sport in 20 years—reigniting my passion has been amazing!

Over the years, I have developed several self-care routines, but nothing has come close to baseball as an adult. I have replaced a missing piece of my puzzle.  Playing sets my problems aside for 3 hours and I feel refreshed.

If you're looking for ways to improve your self-care, may I suggest you look to the past? Is there something you once loved that you've given up? Is there something you've wanted to try but never had the chance? Give it a try. It might be just what you need for a reset that will improve your quality of life in a tangible way that makes your healing journey not only more possible but more fun.

Nate Allen is a Marriage and Family Therapist currently in training at Resolve Counseling. He lives in Kansas City with his wife and kids.

- Nate Allen