Fighting with your Partner? Here’s to Better Communication!
In every couple, there are two people, two hearts, and two perspectives. Still, we want our partners to think exactly like we think. When they don’t, it’s tempting to point out how utterly wrong they are (maybe tossing in a few eye-rolls for good measure). It’s such a human wish to be united in thought …we all want to feel like our person gets us and is on our side, right? It’s also way too human to feel misunderstood and not heard. A pretty lonely thing.
Disagreements can actually be great chances for growth and closeness –– but not without new ways of thinking. With a few adjustments, partner conflict can work for you instead of against you.
Pause a beat
When your partner says something you instantly want to correct or debate, try taking a breath before you respond. Sometimes the worst things fly out of our mouths unchecked. Slow things down, make sure you heard correctly, give your partner room to fully express the thought before responding.
Be respectful
It seems obvious, but partners often show disrespect to one another that they wouldn’t dare show a stranger. Criticism, stonewalling, put downs, even those aforementioned eye-rolls can be part of a larger pattern of disrespect in a partnership. Not only is it not helpful, it’s dangerous to a relationship’s success and can keep you from being heard.
Listen to understand
Before offering a counterpoint, take time to genuinely understand your partner’s perspective. Ask questions, be curious, try to appreciate what is being said even if you don’t fully agree with it. In fact, listening to understand is NOT the same as agreeing. You can carefully consider your partner’s thoughts even when they don’t match your own. Strangely, if you don’t take time to truly listen, ultimately your own point of view is less likely to be received.
Postpone solutions
Listening should always come before fixing of any kind. When a problem presents itself, we often ask “how can I solve this?” It can be more helpful to ask “how do I want to be in this moment?” When we hold off on finding solutions or proving our point, we are free to see complexities and appreciate different ways of thinking. Feeling good about how you respond is critical … every conflict is a chance to honor your own character, show kindness, and avoid saying words you might regret.
Good communication is an ongoing practice. By working to stay present, kind, and open to the partner you love, you can create a climate of trust and goodwill. It’s just a fact that couples sometimes fight. Thinking differently about those disagreements can allow you to stay connected even when two points of view feel miles apart.
- Penny Howard, LPC