Break-ups...Did I Make the Right Decision?
I’m fairly certain we can all agree that the most infamous sentence in the English language is “we need to talk”.
Break ups bring up a lot of mixed emotions. Particularly when we are the one doing the breaking up. Why is it that we are so confident of our decision to end things before the actual conversation? Before the break-up, it is incredibly common to experience certainty and then right after, there’s a tsunami of thoughts that go something like this:
“I don’t know if I did the right thing.”
“I don’t want to start over.”
“All I can remember are the positive memories we had together.”
“What if I can’t find someone as good?”
“Maybe it wasn’t that bad.”
“They had a lot of positive traits.”
“They were so good to me, why wasn’t that enough for me?”
“Everyone is going to judge me for breaking it off.”
“They will never forgive me.”
What if I told you there is no “right” decision? Decisions are completely dependent on our individual, objective experience at any given moment. As humans, we change our minds OFTEN. This could be based on whatever emotions are coming up for you, external messaging you are receiving from others, or the way that we talk to ourselves about the decision that we made.
When we break up with a romantic partner and we see their emotional response, it is bound to have an impact on our thoughts and emotions. The natural response, for many, is to doubt your choice. This also, often, has to do with missing the person you broke up with.
If you get anything from this, I hope it is this, missing someone does not necessarily mean that they still need to be in your life. We can miss someone and choose not to send the text, make the phone call, or send the Snapchat. We can sit with the emotions of missing someone, feeling a bit lonely, and sad and not attach an additional story to these emotions.
When we experience uncomfortable feelings, we assume that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Sometimes we simply just need to allow the emotions to exist exactly as they are rather than jumping to the conclusion that the emotion or thought needs to be acted on, changed, or solved. It is completely understandable that you are thinking about and missing someone who is no longer in your life anymore.
These emotions are challenging to be with. Some helpful steps to take when going through this process is:
Spend a little while reflecting on why this decision was the best decision for you at the time.
Know who your support systems are so that you can reach out to them when needed.
Have awareness of your low-hanging fruit (a hobby or activity that you can engage in and brings relief with little effort).
Just as missing someone does not always mean we need to contact them, it is also true that missing someone does not always mean that we should not contact them. I encourage you to step into a space of curiosity and allow yourself time to think about what is best for you and makes the most sense before acting on an impulse.
This process starts with trusting yourself. While you may not be experiencing as much relief after the break-up as you thought you would, I wonder if you have moments of gratitude? I wonder if there is some goodness happening right now that you can lean into? I wonder if you can reflect on the story you are telling yourself about this decision? I wonder how you can be taking care of yourself right now?
You may be experiencing a combination of transition, loss, and grief. I want to normalize all the confusing and contradictory thoughts and feelings that you may be going through. It could be helpful to reach out to a professional to help you process this change. If you feel like you need additional support consider contacting a mental health professional.