Elements of An Effective Apology
The topic of asking forgiveness and making amends is an important concept in the world of mental health. In my work, especially with those in various stages of substance use recovery, the topic has come up over and over again.
This makes sense of course, because making amends is important. It is important because it allows for healing of a number of different relationships.
Relationships that Can be Healed Through Reconciliation
Wrongdoer and the victim – Generally the relationship with the most obvious need for healing.
The victim and themselves – Often victims of wrongdoing ask themselves, “What did I do to deserve this?” or, “How did I fail to protect myself?” An effective apology allows them to drop these sorts of questions.
The victim and their community – Often victims may distrust those they previously trusted based on the actions of one individual who wronged them. Also, the wrongdoing may cause others to view the victim as inferior (regardless of justification).
Wrongdoer and the community – The “moral community” may view the wrongdoing as a breach of community values and somehow exclude the wrongdoer.
Wrongdoer and themselves – Very important. If you’ve ever said to yourself some version of, “I just can’t look at myself in the mirror after what I did,” then you have experienced this internal conflict. An effective apology allows a wrongdoer to return to the peace of knowing they are living in accordance with their own values.
Pretty much everyone has been apologized to at some point in their life, and pretty much everyone has given an apology as well. We can all probably think of times when each went well, and when each went badly. What makes the difference? There are no hard and fast rules, but for an apology to be effective, there are a number of elements that tend to be important.
Elements of an Effective Apology
1) It shows that you heard and understood the person you wronged. Empathy is key. For someone to feel cared about, they generally need to feel understood. Taking the time to understand someone’s experience is also a sign of respect, because understanding someone else is not easy. It takes time and effort and selflessness. Studies show closeness is determined more by how well we feel known by another than by how well we feel we know them. If you feel the need to give an important apology, take some time to really imagine and visualize what it was like for the victim to endure your transgression, and how that might have impacted them afterward.
2) It takes full responsibility. All of us have gotten an apology:
With excuses attached: “I’m sorry for _____, but you have to understand the circumstances . . .”
That casts doubt on the reality of the situation: “I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”
In the passive voice: Instead of “I’m sorry for what I did,” some apologies come out as, “I’m sorry for what happened” and thereby dodge responsibility.
That name the victim's response to the transgression, not the transgression itself, as the problem. For example, “I’m sorry I upset you” becomes, “I’m sorry you got upset” or even worse, “I’m sorry you decided to get upset.”
These approaches to reconciliation are almost never effective. They actually don’t really even qualify as apologies, they’re more just ways to plead our own case and serve our own needs, wrapped in the language of apologies.
3) It focuses on the victim. When apologizing, there can be a powerful urge to want to tell our side of the story. But for the apology to be effective, our side of the story needs to wait. Our side of the story may still be important, but an apology is about you owning your actions, not pushing the other party to say something you want to hear.
Additionally, it’s helpful to remember that an apology may be the beginning of a conversation, not the end. How we feel about each side of things may change once we are on friendlier terms, or have at least unburdened ourselves of an unremedied transgression. Often times, the relief of having apologized, and maybe even having the apology accepted, makes us realize that we aren’t actually that upset about the other party’s role in what happened. Also, genuinely apologizing for one thing may make other disagreements more civil and easier to resolve.
4) It is not attached to a request. Many clients have told me about parents, spouses, friends, siblings, or others who have apologized to them and then immediately and/or repeatedly requested that my client forgive them. (These requests for forgiveness often come in the form of excessive over-apologizing.) These clients, understandably, feel dissatisfied in these situations. That’s because a request for forgiveness shows that your priority is not making the victim feel better, but making yourself feel better. You are not apologizing to the victim, you are asking them to do you a favor. A good apology asks for nothing in return. Not forgiveness. Not even a reply or an acknowledgement. Telling a victim they don’t even need to acknowledge your apology is very hard for many people, but for optimal effectiveness, focus 100% on the victim, and ask nothing in return.
5) It takes responsibility for all we are responsible for, but nothing more. Being empathetic and accountable doesn’t necessarily mean owning 100% of every bad thing that happened. Being honest about things we don’t think we’re responsible for shows sincerity and integrity. Sometimes it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry for my part.” If your view on what you’re responsible for changes, that’s allowed, and you can always try to readdress things later.
6) It is not intrusive or threatening. Beyond being a basic safety issue, this gets back to empathy. Delivering an apology in a way that feels invasive or frightening to a victim shows that you still haven’t really done the work of understanding where they’re at. An apology that upsets the victim will almost never work.
7) Does not over-do or under-do the apology. As stated above, going on too long can look self-serving, like we are pleading our case. An apology that is too short probably doesn’t convey much in the way of empathy.
As complicated as all of this may seem, apologizing tends to be a skill worth learning. For more info on apologies and making amends, see Harriet Lerner’s excellent book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?” For an even more in-depth look at apologies, forgiveness, and making amends, try, “Making Amends: Atonement in Morality, Law, and Politics” by Linda Radzik.
Paul Boyer