Four Tendencies that Disrupt Communication and Relationships: Part One

“We need help with communicating”.

“We want to resolve our differences”

“We are tired of disagreements turning into a blowout fight!”

Sound familiar? Many couples pursue counseling to work on communication. Don’t get me wrong, communication is important. But get this; most disagreements between partners are not resolvable. Yep you read that right. According to John Gottman’s research, about 70% of disagreements are considered perpetual problems: “Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs(gottman.com)". When improving communication, the goal is to actually reach an understanding of your partner, not to necessarily agree with them. It is not an easy task to feel understood or to understand your partner. Keep an eye out for the following tendencies, which the Gottman Institute call the Four Horsemen, which could be getting in the way of your partner understanding you.

• Criticism: Involves blame, pointing out faults and using many “you” statements. Criticism is often met with the next horseman, defensiveness.

• Defensiveness: Making excuses for behavior, not taking accountability, shifting blame to partner or bringing up an unrelated complaint as a response.

• Contempt: The most deadly of all horsemen, contempt evokes feelings of disgust and hostility. Contempt utilizes sarcasm to put down the partner and is often condescending in nature, coming from a place of superiority.

• Stonewalling: involves emotional withdrawing, shutting down and is often a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded by stress. The listener is not capable of understanding, empathizing or fully hearing the speaker in this state.

Look out for part 2 where we discuss what you can do to counteract and prevent the Four Horsemen.

Aeriel Feeback, LSCSW, LCSW

The information in this article is derived from The Gottman Institute, www.Gottman.com