How To Be a “Good Listener”

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” (Karl A. Menninger)  

Being able to give another person the gift of listening can be meaningful for them and for us, the listeners. It can help deepen the bond and increase trust. However, too often we find ourselves switching from “hearing” the other person (sharer) to “thinking” about what we can do or say to help.  

There are (at least) two reasons why we want fix the other person’s problem: 

• We want to help the other person. 

• We feel bad when we witness another person’s pain/ stress. Fixing their problem makes us feel better.  

By coming up with solutions (“you should do …”)  or minimizing the problem (“you are overreacting, it’s not that bad”), can make the sharer  feel unheard and that we aren’t listening. If you want to provide a supportive “listening ear”, you can validate their emotions even if you don’t fully agree with their point of view. Here are some tips on how to listen empathetically in order to help the sharer feel less alone with the problem and related emotions.   

• Don't offer advice unless asked to do so. 

• Ask what makes the situation so stressful. 

• Offer statements of compassion and empathy. 

• Share your own similar stories only for the purpose of showing that you understand because you have had a similar experience. 

• Show that you are the sharer’s “ally against the problem”. Avoid siding with the perceived problem. 

Sometimes we don’t know what to do or say to validate the sharer’s thoughts and emotions. It is ok to ask them what they need from you to feel supported. By listening empathetically and non-judgmentally, you show that you acknowledge the sharer’s experience and make them feel heard!

-Natalie Msechu