How to Repair After an Argument

One of the most important findings in the 40 years of research relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, collected regarding what makes love last is a couples ability to recover from regrettable incidents. All relationships have them: tifs, spats, quarrels, arguments, fights. Whatever you call them, conflict is a part of long term relationships. The key is not to completely avoid them, the key is to fight fair and when things get too heated, the most important thing we can do is repair and reconnect. 

But how do we do that? How do you revisit a regrettable incident or an argument without things escalating again. Thanks to those same relationship experts, we have a 5 step process on how to recover and repair. The following are the 5 steps to repairing after a regrettable incident: 

Step #1: Talk About Your Feelings

• Each partner takes a turn talking about what they were feeling during the fight. 

• Talk about your feelings without blaming your partner. Use “I” statements

• How were you Feeling?

  • Sad, Angry, Worried, Lonely, Ashamed, Unappreciated, Defensive, or any other emotions or feelings. Out of control or confused?

Step #2: Talk About Your Perspective

• Each partner takes turns talking about their perspective of the fight

• Keep in mind each partner might have opposing views, both are right. Avoid wasting time trying to prove your angle. Instead invite your partner into your perspective. 

• Take turns validating each other’s perspective. For suggestions, see validating comments below. 

Step #3: Triggers

• In many regrettable incidents (not all) there are reasons conflicts get escalated. Our enduring vulnerabilities can get triggered in heated arguments.

• Enduring vulnerabilities are emotional scars from the distant past, often from childhood

• When you feel triggered search your history for a time you felt similar

• Tell your partner a story about your enduring vulnerability:

  • “A time I felt judged... excluded...humiliated and disrespected... abandoned... powerless...bullied... alone... out of control... belittled... unsafe...assaulted or attacked.”

Step #4: Accept Responsibility 

• Own up to your part in the argument no matter how small. 

• Avoid blaming your partner or others. 

• Taking responsibility for your part is highly effective in repairing.

Step #5: Plan Ahead 

• Discuss how you both might do things differently next time

• What is one thing your partner can do to make things better if this situation happens again? What is one thing you can do?

• Create a plan to minimize hurt feedings and avoiding a repeat incident  

Guidelines for the Speaker

Take Turns: talk for 5-10 min per step then switch roles

Use “I” Statements: Avoid “You” statements.

Complain, but don’t blame. Stick with the facts. Describe what is happening without judging or evaluating. 

Guidelines for the Listener

Stay Present and Engaged: make eye contact, remove distractions, postpone your agenda.

Manage Your Defensiveness: If you’re feeling defensive ask questions to understand instead of deflecting or trying to prove your angle. If you are still feeling defensive, try stating: 

“I am feeling defensive, would you please say that to me softer?” or 

“I feel blamed, could you rephrase that?”

Listen Reflectively: Repeat back the essence of your partner’s point of view without your own interpretation. Stick to their facts and say: 

“What i hear you saying is ________________.  Is that correct? What else?”

Validating Comments: 

“From your point of view it makes sense why you would have these feelings and needs” “You make sense” “I can see why you would feel that way”

“i can see why you would see it that way” “I am not going anywhere”

“I didn’t know you saw it that way”

Christy Lanterman, LPC