I’m pregnant - so why am I not happier?

So, it (finally) happened: you are pregnant and expecting your very own bundle of joy! The first thoughts and emotions for expecting parents are usually happiness and excitement about a bright and happy future as a family. At some point though, many women notice doubt and worry creeping in; something along the lines of “oh boy, what did I get myself into, am I really ready for this?” The good news is that ambivalence is normal, having a child is an enormous event that affects ALL areas of your life. Nothing will be as it was, These thoughts are to be expected (no pun intended). However, sometimes pregnant women notice emotions that go beyond what I like to call “buyer’s remorse”. Underlying, often unconscious beliefs and fears can get in the way of letting our bodies do what they were made for and to enjoy the ride. 

It is common that trauma (e.g. reproductive, medical, or sexual and physical violence) that you experienced or witnessed can affect you. Even “inherited trauma” such as a family history of pregnancy complications or birth trauma, stillbirth etc can impact our own experience of pregnancy and birth. 

Common sources of trauma that affect pregnant women include: 

  • Past gynecological or obstetric experiences such as miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility 

  • Birth trauma: emergency cesarean section, fear of losing the baby due to birth complications, complications during the 3rd stage of labor (hemorrhaging, placental problems) 

  • Past sexual violence which can lead to repeated retraumatization during obstetrical visits and birth 

  • Past physical, verbal, and emotional abuse that affects beliefs about oneself and one's body

We don’t even have to have a conscious memory of something that happened in the past for thoughts and emotions to suddenly resurface when we are pregnant. Our past trauma likely left its emotional mark on us and can: 

  • Interfere with our ability to “go with the flow” of our bodies’ wisdom to grow and birth our child 

  • Manifest as negative beliefs about ourselves and our body 

  • Cause symptoms of increased anxiety and depression 

  • Affect our sleep quality 

  • Have a negative impact on our close relationships 

If you are concerned about your emotional response to your pregnancy and/or the prospect of giving birth, it can be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. Most women don’t feel comfortable to voice their fears and pregnancy-related problems to their partners, family, or friends. Often we don’t even want to acknowledge negative feelings and thoughts to ourselves. After all, the focus during this time is on joy and happiness, and the privilege to be expecting. The childbearing experience can be an opportunity for personal growth. Processing these adverse thoughts and emotions and learning skills to cope with them when they do come up, is not just beneficial during your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period, but can help you to have the inner resources to navigate your journey into parenthood emotionally strong and healthy. 

Natalie Msechu, LSCSW, LCSW

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