Love Maps
After 40 years of relationship research, John and Julie Gottman developed a model called the Sound Relationship House which shows the rest of us what important interpersonal principles and skills make love last. At the foundation of the Sound Relationship House is building love maps. Love maps are at the center of a couples friendship. These maps contain avast amount of detailed and intimate information regarding a partner’s inner world.Love maps include information about important events of the past, details about the present, and hopes and dreams about the future. As we inevitably evolve and change over the years, our love map knowledge of our partner’s needs to also. When we show interest in our partner’s by asking questions about their inner worlds and listening intently when they share intimate details with us, the message to them is profound: “I see you”, “You matter”, “I care about the details of your life”, “I am interested in what you’re interested in”, “I love you enough to pay attention”.To build a love map of your partner, ask them as many open ended-questions you can think of. Consider downloading the Gottman Card Deck for several open-ended question and conversation topic ideas. Ask your partner to do a love map activity together. If they are open to the idea, follow these instructions:
Love Map Activity Instructions
On your own try answering as many of the below love map questions about your partner.
Set aside a minimum of 30 minutes (as much as 90 would be beneficial) as a couple to compare love map answers. It's not a competition of “who knows more”;).
If you do not know the answer to any of these love map questions, use this as an opportunity to find out the answer.
4.Gently correct your partner if they guessed an answer wrong.
Allow this as an opportunity to be reminded of how much you know about one another; or, as a way to dig deeper into building intimate knowledge of each other.
Love Map Questions
What is your partner’s favorite hobby or way to relax?
What is your partner’s favorite food?
Where does your partner like to go when they need space to think?
What is your partner’s favorite ice cream flavor?
What is something your partner is currently worried about?
Who is your partner’s best friend?
Does your partner prefer dinner out or dinner at home?
What is your partner’s favorite sport? Have they ever played it?
Where did your partner live when they were growing up?
What relative or kin did your partner feel closest to as a child?
If your partner had a nickname as a child, what was it?
Is your partner a morning person or a night person?
If your partner could go anywhere, where would they go?
What is your partner’s favorite childhood memory?
Does your partner prefer hugs, gifts, or to hear “Thank you?”
What is your partner’s favorite TV show? Favorite movie?
What song reminds your partner of your relationship?
What is your partner’s favorite memory of a date, activity, or moment you share together?
Christy Lanterman, LPC