Negativity Bias
I will never forget the first time that I realized my cousin (and best friend at the time), was embarrassed by me. I was 4. We had matching, store bought princess Halloween costumes and mine had been wrecked by my family dog. I had left it on the floor (like a 4 year old might), and my dog decided that both the crown and my wand was a perfect chew toy. Despite the water works and my pleading, splotchy face, my parents “geniusly” created a flimsy crown and wand out of tin foil. I was skeptical, but eventually decided that it would ‘pass’ for our Halloween Parade. Anxiously, I tried to distract myself with different toys in our preschool classroom, attempting to soothe my nerves. The teacher finally called us to line up for the ‘main event’, and as I ran to stand next to my cousin, she looked at me sideways and told me to go to the end of the line. That was it. That was the sweet, simple and possibly innocent realization that on this one night, the night that we could be anything, I was STILL disappointingly me. I was horrified, embarrassed, and more lonely than I knew possible.
This story is true. It’s mine and it has, what I like to call, ‘stickiness’. It was the first time that I felt bullied, not good enough, unworthy, and so desperately alone. Why is it that this one negative event creates a visceral response for me now, 31 years later? I know that most of us have stories like this; as a sweet small innocent full of life child who loses a part of their joy, playfulness and freedom. It’s almost as if that part of us dies, or is locked in a vault. To be honest, even now when I feel the scathing eyes of someone who clearly doesn’t approve of my existence, I have the urge to cower and shrink away. Although, thanks to the patience of my therapist and some EMDR work, it feels more like a blip or a tiny wave of increased awareness, rather than something that swallows me whole and keeps me paralyzed with fear.
Why do these negative lived experiences have such staying power? What is it about the times when we were called out in the classroom and we didn’t have the answer, or the one critic who writes a negative review on our otherwise gleaming website, that makes us feel so awful? If I wanted to, I think that I could write down just about every negative or even neutral response from all of my past job reviews. However, when I try to really think about the positive remarks, I can only list one or two things.
Human beings have what is called a ‘negativity bias’. It’s why the news is littered with stories about sickness, homelessness, murder, human trafficking, sexual abuse, examples of repeated systemic racism, police brutality, on and on. We are designed to remember and predict the negative. It is part of our programming for survival. As Rick Hanson, PhD writes in his book, “To survive and pass on their genes, our ancestors needed to be especially aware of dangers, losses, and conflicts. Consequently, the brain evolved a negativity bias that looks for bad news, reacts intensely to it, and quickly stores the experience in neural structures.” (Rewiring the Brain, 2013). Apparently, we store it and pass it on to the next generation.
Another critical aspect of the negativity bias and our evolution is the rapid acceleration to the top of the food chain. Human beings are supposed to be somewhere in the middle, but our highly evolved prefrontal cortex and opposable thumbs, shot us to the top. Our bodies as organisms have not ‘caught up’. Therefore, we are programmed with a heightened sense of danger or threat from predators. While I wouldn’t call my cousin, a ‘threat’, my organism doesn’t know any differently and reacts as if she (and any other bully) is life-threatening. So, I alter my behavior.
Adaptively, I worked really hard to ensure that I am NEVER hurt like that again. Unfortunately, those ‘critic parts’ bury my joyful, playful and curious self. This is the work. This is my work, to show gratitude toward my critic part(s) that avoid embarrassment, and make room for my playful, curious and joyful self energy to boldly emerge.
When I find myself repeating things like, “why did you do that, that was so dumb, you can be better than that, etc”, I have learned to recognize that those ‘warnings’ or judgements exist as attempts to keep me ‘safe’. I now have the awareness to lovingly respond with, “I’m still learning”, or “I am doing the best that I can”. I know that our programming as humans is to be critical, negative, and even predictive of ‘failure’. It is important to not get too lost in that negativity and to connect with a safe person, be curious about what those negative or critical parts are ‘holding for me’, and build context (the knowing of our programmed negativity bias, for example).
When we apply these concepts to a global pandemic, what is perceived as life threatening, and worse, is validated as actually life threatening, many of our systems hop into an activated self-protective state (flight or fight). Our negativity bias design can be quite damaging. With limited or no access for connection, our organism has no bridge to land in safety. I urge you to reach out, zoom, call, twitch, tweet, Marco Polo, write, do whatever you can to build connection and safety.
Our goal is not to completely stop having negative thoughts, or judgements, but to resource ourselves back into safety through connection, curiosity and context. I am hopeful that this rambling blog provided some context for you. Consider connecting with a therapist who can build safety through relationship and encourage your curiosity. The pendulation between our negative biases, into safety can build our tolerance allowing us to embrace those beautiful childlike parts that have long been exiled.
When you are ready, Resolve is here to help connect, build space for curiosity and provide some context. We are thinking of you and our community and how to continue to gently bring us all into a feeling of safety. Resolve encourages community growth and healing from the impact of the wounds incurred over the past year. With the awareness that we can only move as quickly as our most reluctant parts, a community and place such as Resolve is an anecdote to the unsafe and unpredictable world that we are existing in.
With love,
Haylie S. Colby, LSCSW, LCSW