Pleasure Inequity
Did you know that between all sexual identifications there is the largest gap in achieving orgasm during partnered sex between heterosexual woman and heterosexual men? According to an article published in 2020, that referenced several studies, the average heterosexual woman reported having an orgasm during partnered sex 20-30% less often than heterosexual men. When asked why this is, the typical responses I hear are “women are complicated”, “men just care about themselves”, and “people are just not educated”. While I do think it is true that some people are not educated, there are also societal expectations around sex that do not fit the reality of what most people need for sex to be pleasurable.
The typical ‘script’ for sex includes foreplay, intercourse, male orgasm, sex over. This script while effective at times for an afternoon quickie is not the script that will foster a satisfying sexual relationship that lasts for many years. This script is influenced by ancient beliefs that a woman’s job is to satisfy her man but should not experience desire herself. By the movie scenes that depict this passionate, intense sexual intercourse with no foreplay, lube, or emotional connection. By porn that is primarily focused on men being dominate and seeking pleasure with a woman being open and willing to engage in anything and everything (as if she is not a paid actor and spent days preparing to engage in these activities). Our teachings about sex are often not based in the awkward, fun, mess that sex can be. The reality of what sex is.
Women historically have not had the security and safety to discuss their own pleasure and sexual needs in the way that men have. This issue has created the narrative for many women that pleasure is for promiscuous girls, that their sexual wants/needs are not important, and that sex is a duty to be fulfilled for your partner. Education systems have reinforced this idea by not providing effective sexual health education for both men and women to understand sexual functioning in addition to reproductive functioning. For example, many people do not know that the clitoris is not just a ball of tissue that sits at the top of your labia. It is actually much larger and similar in shape to a wishbone. A clitoris also has a clitoral hood that protects the clitoris throughout the day due to high level of nerves that live in the clitoris. This hood slides back as the clitoris swells with blood when experiencing arousal, revealing the clitoris as it is more prepared for direct stimulation. I’m sure that is not something you were taught in health class.
It is important for us all to challenge the societal norms or pressures by being able to communicate about our wants and needs. It is also important to receive your partner’s requests with an open mind, lack of judgment and willingness to compromise. Instead of the typical sexual script that was mentioned before, there can be so much value in developing your own couple sex script that enhances pleasure for both parties involved. One option for a script can include, clitoral stimulation, oral sex, female orgasm, intercourse, male orgasm. This script is more likely to create the type of pleasure and enjoyment that both women and men want during sex.
At the end of the day, I believe most people want to have a sex life that feels enjoyable and healthy. Not everyone’s sex life is going to look the same, but that is the beauty in it. It’s important to feel comfortable talking about sex with your partner and being willing to educate yourself on anatomy, sexual functioning, and your partners sexual desires, as well as trying not to feed into the societal expectations of what a healthy sex life looks like. If you are open and willing to do these things, you are setting yourself up to have a long and happy sexual relationship with your partner.
-Morgan Twidwell, LCSW, LSCSW
References:
Mahar, Elizabeth & Mintz, Laurie & Akers, Brianna. (2020). Orgasm Equality: Scientific Findings and Societal Implications. Current Sexual Health Reports. 12. 10.1007/s11930-020-00237-9.