Replacing Punishment with Conscious Discipline

Children are constantly attempting, and sometimes struggling, to communicate their needs and emotions. It can be extremely difficult to be in emotional dysregulation and not understand what is going on within our internal processes. As parents, educators, and supportive individuals within the lives of children, we can make this process of problem-solving and regulating more difficult by labeling these overwhelming emotions and these struggles to self-regulate as “tantrums” or “misbehavior” that must be punished. If we rely on punishments and judgements to address moments of dysregulation and difficult behavior, then we reinforce the idea that our behaviors should be dependent on the judgment of others, such as our parents, peers, and even total strangers. We send the message that good behavior should be performed out of fear or intimidation rather than through self-regulation. Punishing our children also fails to provide them with the skills and support to recognize and manage emotions nor does it help them take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. So what should we do in moments of conflict and emotional dysregulation? 

Our goal as parents, educators, or other sources of support is to engage in empathy and rely on effective consequences rather than punishments. By replacing punishments with consequences, we exchange judgment, fear, and intimidation with intention, safety, and problem-solving. Good consequences focus on ways we can support children in learning new skills and alternative behaviors. Consequences can help to frame their mistakes as opportunities to grow and learn, while also promoting problem-solving and ways we can name and identify our emotions. Just as it is difficult for our children to self-regulate, we can also experience the same difficulties when making the change from punishment to conscious discipline. It is important for us to establish our own safety and regulate our emotions before utilizing any consequences. In order to formulate good, effective consequences, we must consider and practice the following:

  • What is my intention with this consequence? Before we utilize discipline, we must identify the specific intent of a consequence. If we are looking to express our own anger or hurt by a child’s actions, then we must do so in a way that does not cause fear or embarrassment. We must avoid yelling, blaming, or using controlling language. If we are looking to establish motivation to change a behavior or seek alternative activities, we must engage with the child in a curious and judgment free manner, that notices and validates emotions and seeks to understand why a child acted or responded in the manner that they did. It is helpful to empower the child by asking them for suggestions on alternative behaviors for next time. 

  • Pair an explanation with our consequences. It can be very tempting to dish out punishment without any sort of explanation as to why. We often rely on phrases such as “because I said so!” or “No!” to get our point across, but we fail to provide a reason behind why a behavior must be changed. Discuss safety and establish connection with your child in order to provide them with the necessary information to begin taking responsibility and engaging in self-reflection. For example, it may be tempting to punish a child running in the hallway by yelling at them or yanking them to a stop by their hand. However, this does not provide children with any sort of explanation or trigger for self-reflection on why this behavior is undesirable. Instead, we can ask a child to walk next to us and explain how walking in the hallways can help to keep us safe. 

  • Provide connection in order for self-reflection and responsibility to take place. Children who are disconnected from others can not begin the process of emotional regulation or viewing problems through the eyes of others. We must take the time to instill feelings of empathy, positive regard, and safety within children before expecting them to engage in skills of problem-solving and self-regulation. In order to establish this safety, connection, and calm, we must first participate in modeling safe emotional expression and reflection. Notice, rather than judge, the actions and emotions of your child. Noticing can be a major tool in teaching our children to notice and reflect on their own behaviors and emotions. Use phrases such as “*Child’s name* I noticed that you did *insert behavior* and that *insert consequence of behavior* happened. That was very helpful/that made you feel/do *insert emotion/action*. Did that help you achieve what you wanted to? What could we do differently next time?”

  • What skill or technique does this help my child to learn? If our intended consequence follows the steps of conscious discipline, then our interactions with our child will help to teach a new skill or alternative strategy. On the other hand, punishments do not provide us with learning opportunities and aim to suppress specific behaviors, rather than provide different ways to approach a problem. It is important to ask ourselves what this consequence is helping our child and us to learn as we engage them in high levels of reflection and regulation. If we can not find a productive opportunity for growth and safety within our intended consequence, it will be necessary to engage in alternative forms of discipline. 

For more information on Conscious Discipline, or to access specific resources or techniques, please visit https://consciousdiscipline.com

-Emily Hayes, Intern

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Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT): an Evidence-Based Treatment