Having Grace with Yourself
When it comes to each person’s unique perception of the world, the context that everyone has is primarily through the lens of their own experiences. You can hear your own thoughts, but not the thoughts of others. You can control your own actions, but not the actions of others. You can feel your own emotions more personally than you can feel the emotions of others. In some ways, this is a beautiful thing. This allows us to develop a sense of self, a sense of autonomy, and a sense of distinction. When we are optimally functioning, we can invest in these experiences while also engaging and connecting with other people.
However, there are also challenges that come with our sense of self. We can be our own greatest critics. When you think about it, this makes sense. We are ultimately responsible for our own actions, our own words, and our own decisions. However, the problem that arises with this is that we are more prone to black-and-white thinking that limits our sense of nuance for mistakes, learning, and growth. For example, we may feel like we have fallen short in some area (accidentally hurting someone with our words, running late to an event, misplacing an item we need). Our default can often be “how did I manage to do that?” Or more significantly still, even harsher words towards ourselves, such as “I am a failure,” “I don’t know what I’m doing,” or “I’m never going to get it right.” More often than not, we actually hold ourselves to a higher standard than we would even hold others to. Consider your close relationships. Do you expect your loved ones to be perfect, in every area, all of the time? Why or why not?
Sometimes, we perceive our own mistakes as more severe than the mistakes of others. And while it is true, sometimes we will mess up—it is so important that we take ownership of our mistakes in a way that recognizes that mistakes are going to be made. Learning from a mistake, or investing in a weaker part of ourselves, is always going to be more valuable than looking perfect to ourselves or everyone around us.
So how do we do that? How do we start shifting our experiences of our own mistakes?
Self-awareness. Try and catch yourself when you start thinking about who you are as a person. What comes to mind? Is your running narrative more positive, negative, or neutral? How does this differ from how you perceive the people you are close with? You might find that you hold yourself to the same standard that you hold others to. If that is the case, it will still be important to recognize this, and to consider whether or not you are comfortable with anyone (self or others) making mistakes from time to time. Each person holds their own experience and understanding as it relates to what is acceptable.
Self-talk. You may have heard this phrase before. Self-talk is the idea that what we are saying to ourselves matters (in our thoughts or out loud). You can look at yourself in the mirror, and state “I don’t have to be perfect. I am putting in effort, and that matters.” While it might feel odd at first, these small, simple practices are us declaring acceptance over ourselves. And this does make a difference. Of course, sometimes our thoughts tell us that we are not doing a good enough job. If we hold ourselves to a generally high standard, it is not surprising that sometimes we will lean into doubting our own abilities. Don’t expect to be perfect at this—that would defeat the purpose!
Mapping it all out. Sometimes, if we’re noticing that we’re dropping the ball, it’s an indicator that something is wrong. That we might be burned out, upset, or overwhelmed. In these cases, sometimes, we can benefit from sitting down and mapping out if there’s something we can do to lighten our load. For example, if it’s overwhelming to remember to take our daily vitamins, we might benefit more from setting a reminder on our phone—instead of putting the pressure on ourselves to do a better job remembering. Sometimes a little act can go a long way. Additionally, journaling can be a great way to track and manage our stressors and our expectations.
Keep in mind, even trying to manage how we treat ourselves can be very hard work. How we think about, and talk to ourselves, requires intentionality and compassion. We can seek to give ourselves grace, while not dropping our expectations all together. And as we try this, we can celebrate, and experience a sense of new freedom.
-Jenna McCormick, Intern