Savior Complex: Rescuing the Rescuer
Do you feel an innate need to save people from pain? Do you find yourself constantly giving to others what you need yourself? Are you consistently making compromises related to your values and beliefs in order to please those around you? When we rely on other people for approval of our identity as “helper” or “savior” we have entered into what we call a “savior complex”. There is often a great deal of praise, validation, and approval around making self-sacrifices on behalf of others. It can be so easy to be pulled into patterns of self-betrayal when we are receiving applause every step of the way. What was once defined as selflessness quickly turns into impure motivation and clear lack of boundary setting, personal emotional neglect, and disconnection from self.
There are many individuals in the helping field such nurses, doctors, educators, social workers, therapists, pastors, etc. who may resonate with a deep need to support others. I want to create a clear distinction between helping others and having a “savior complex”.
Savior Complex
Only feeling good about yourself when you are helping someone else.
Spending a great deal of energy “fixing” others which is leading to burnout.
Helping others for the wrong reasons.
Believing you are the only one who can assist.
Helping
Actively listening and providing empathy and understanding.
Weighing the rewards and losses of assisting.
Giving others room to access their own wisdom and resources.
Supporting others in figuring out what to do.
There are many ways to begin overcoming an internalized need to save. Remember that it is possible to be a support system without stepping in to be the “white knight”. It takes a great deal of intentionality and self-discipline to allow others to process and experience pain without trying to take it all away. Recognizing small ways to lovingly step back and help others help themselves will allow you overcome the “savior complex”. Here are some ways to begin this journey.
Tolerate others taking responsibilities for their actions and endure the consequences for their choices.
Support when you can and let go of the results.
Listen instead of act.
Remind yourself that you can only control what you do.
Asking yourself reflective questions. Examples of questions to ask yourself are, “am I being asked to help?” or “am I feeling burnt out and over extended in my efforts to help?”
Remember that “you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” When we can recognize what it means to believe in other people’s ability to problem-solve themselves we no longer feel the need to constantly self-sacrifice, over commit, and carry the weight of the world. Your identity is one that is dynamic, interconnected, and multidimensional. Take time to explore how your values, personality, and character go so much deeper than you have ever imagined.
Annie Bretches, LPC, PLPC