Sharing is caring! Or is it?
Let’s be honest here- Does anyone really like to share? Maybe occasionally, but for most of us sharing comes with some anxiety and concern. “Will he take care of my belongings? Will I ever see it again? Will she appreciate or understand what I’m sharing?
Sharing is a key milestone in social engagement for young minds. The ability to share decides whether two children are playing nicely together or a full meltdown ensues. This leaves many caregivers watching their children play, holding their breath for the next sharing eruption. Cue the broken record: “you need to share!” “It’s his turn now!” “If you can't play nicely, I’m going to take the iPad away!”
Now imagine a world where two children are able to collaborate together, make a plan on how to share, and make the decision to share something independently (or not!). Good news! This image is not only possible, but obtainable by following the tips below.
Tip 1: don’t force your child to share. Yep, you read that right. Forcing a child to share becomes less about the toy and more about the power struggle. When a child doesn’t want to share her toy with someone, reassure the child: “this toy is yours and if you choose to share, we will make sure you get it back. “Millie would love a turn but you get to choose if you want her to have a turn”.
Tip 2: anticipate sharing troubles. If a playdate is about to happen, talk to your child about any toys he would have a hard time sharing and consider putting them away. Talk about the importance of sharing, helping a friend feel welcome, and playing together is a lot more fun BUT don’t force it!
Tip 3: Model the behavior you want to see. If a fight over a toy unfolds, resist the urge to tell the children what they “should” do. Instead, help facilitate and model a collaborative conversation. Help name feelings and the cycle of behavior. Example “Peter I can tell you are getting really frustrated and sad that you haven’t had a turn with the robot. And Millie, I can see you are worried and unsure if you want to share your robot because it is SO important to you. Hmmmm what do you guys think we should do?”
(PS-if things escalate to the point of a safety concern, absolutely remove the toy, separate the kids and review the incident later.)
Tip 4: Review and collaborate during a calm, neutral time. When the storm has passed, follow up with your child about the sharing incident that happened earlier. This can be a moment to explore triggers, identify emotions, praise certain behaviors, and come up with a plan for next time. The key here is to have it be a moment that is completely separate from any fight or outburst. Like before bed, in the car the next day or over breakfast.
One last note: Parents, be honest with yourselves. What is your ultimate goal? If you want your child to simply comply and share because they’re being told to share, you can absolutely force the behavior through threats and in the short term, the scene could pass quicker. However, if you are a parent who wants their child to INTRINSICALLY want to share, independently problem-solve and collaborate with peers, the above tips are for you!
Written by Aeriel Feeback LCSW, Play Therapist