What does it really mean to sit with your feelings?

It’s easy to believe something is wrong with us when we aren’t completely relaxed and happy. The cultural message is that pain, fear, anxiety, grief, and uncertainty are bad and need to be fixed. No wonder we try to numb these feelings, escape them, talk ourselves out of them, or feel ashamed that they’re there in the first place (all of which tends to make things so much worse). 

Wanting uncomfortable emotions to go away makes all the sense in the world. But for that to happen, they need to be felt––and when they aren’t, they tend to stick around much longer.

It helps (it actually does) to accept how we’re feeling in the moment. There’s a kind of grace in allowing for human feelings and letting them be what they are. When we stop fighting tough emotions and handle them gently, something surprising happens. They become less intense. 

Even though it’s vague, people use the phrase “sit with it” to express this idea. But what does that even mean, and how do you do it?

“Sitting” sounds pretty passive. But in this context, it’s very intentional. It means not trying to make uncomfortable feelings better (by fixing or numbing them) and also not making them worse (by wallowing in how crappy everything is, reinjuring yourself with painful narratives, or feeling victimized by how hurt or worried you are).

A catchphrase is useless if it’s unclear, though. So here are some very specific ways to sit with a feeling:

Let it be. 

No struggling against it. No judging it. No having opinions about it. 

Allow yourself to express it. 

Let yourself cry, talk to (or text) a friend, scream into a pillow, get it on paper, whatever you need to do. Get it out in a safe way. 

Be gentle. 

It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be sad. It’s absolutely normal to not feel okay sometimes. You’re human and life gets complicated. A little self-compassion goes a long way. 

Name it––identify what the actual feeling is. 

It’s not always easy to tell. For example, underneath boiling anger might be deeper feelings of loneliness or fear––which are a lot harder to acknowledge or admit. Pay attention to where you feel it in your body…is it an ache? A tightness? Is your heart pounding? Are you tired? It can take awhile to understand big emotions, so stay curious about what’s really going on inside and be patient with yourself. A good therapist can help you sort through complicated emotions. There’s relief in being able to say exactly what’s going on.

Resist the urge to label a feeling as bad. 

There’s a huge range of human feelings, and it’s natural to think of the uncomfortable ones as “bad.” But they’re all just feelings, so see them as data. Pay attention to what they might be trying to tell you. Great things can come out of discomfort (growth, insight, learning, self-understanding) so don’t be in a hurry to pick a fight with whatever feeling is showing up for you.

Slow things down.

Healing and relief can take time. Until things get easier, take a deep breath, treat yourself kindly, find comfort where you can. When you sit with a heavy feeling, it has a way of lifting a little (and is less work than struggling with it). Give it a try. The only thing you have to lose is the feeling itself.

-Penny Howard, LPC, PLPC