Dancing the Dance

I am not a dancer. I wish I was, but simply, I am not. I can keep a beat and feel the rhythm of the song, but when it comes to pairing the rhythm together with body movements, something gets lost in translation. The old adage of dancing with two left feet does not do what I call dancing justice. 

I bring up dancing not just to point out my deficiencies, but to set a metaphor. Stop me if this seems familiar; you and your partner are together and something happens, whether it’s a chore not done,  a choice made, a budget being put together, trying to handle and parent children. Something, even if something small, happens to start the dance of the partners in which a small comment here leads to one partner shutting down and not responding, which leads to the other partner trying to get the other partner engaged with what is going on. This leads to the other partner further shutting down, leaving or going on the defensive. Then of course,  the other partner becomes defensive and the dance just keeps going. All of which leads to arguments, hurt feelings, anger, and sadness. The dance of the partners is not as spicy as the salsa, or as elegant as a waltz. The dance of the partners can be chaotic, volatile, and even painful. It’s hard when you are in the dance to not see the dance partner as the problem, or even the enemy; but your partner is not the enemy, the negative dance is. 

When partners get into the dance, it’s hard to see anything but the actions taking place in the here and now, but the dance has a whole history, and even previous dancers that are informing how the interactions are being played out. The dance is multi-layered, so while what you see is your partner shutting down, or you see your partner “nagging” you again, there are messages, old dances, that are being brought up, right beneath the surface and outside of immediate consciousness. These old dances are messages of “they think I didn’t do this right, which means I can’t do anything right”, or “they are shutting down which means they don’t really care about me”. The old dances are danced from fear; fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted. 

These fears are strong, and scary, and so while you might not be immediately aware of the old dance, it is there, trying to protect you from experiencing the fear of rejection, not being accepted, or not being protected. That’s why one partner might shut down, because they are afraid that if they engage in the argument, it could lead to losing the relationship. That’s also why one partner might continue to try and engage the other, even through argument, because they do not want that partner to leave. Both partners are trying to protect the relationship and stay safe, but the old dances they have used in the past have become outdated and so misunderstood. 

So when something happens, even something small that begins your dance, try to slow down and be curious. Are we starting to dance again? What are my old dances that are informing how I’m dancing now? What are their dances? Through courage and vulnerability old dances can be looked out and updated, so that a new dance is possible. One in which you and your partner feel seen, understood, and accepted.

-Will Eickman, Intern