The Art of Not Saying No

So many parents often say they feel like a broken record, saying “no”, “don’t do that”, “stop that”, “quit it” all day long. Yet, their children still don’t listen and continue to do exactly what they just told them not to. Parents say it’s so exhausting feeling like they’re just trying to keep their child from getting into things they shouldn’t be in all day long. When working with children and their families, this is one of the most consistent complaints from parents and one of the highest priorities they want to improve on in their household.  

“Just tell me HOW to get my kid to listen.”

It is important for parents to save “No, don’t, stop, quit” for the times when safety is an issue, when children really need to listen.  If a child is running in a parking lot, parents need them to stop as soon as they say stop. When kids hear “stop” all day long, they may question the seriousness behind how quickly they need to stop. Maybe last time they were told stop, they kept doing it and didn’t get in trouble and everything was fine. 

So how can parents get their children to really understand and follow through when they say stop? 

One of the simplest ways is to use these words less often. That doesn’t mean children are never given limits and rules; it means that parents approach is different. Positive, yet constructive. Tell children what you WANT them TO DO! 

Tell children what you want them to do.  

Let’s look at some examples:  

*Stop jumping on the couch! —> Put your feet on the floor. 
*Don’t stand on the chair. —> Sit on your bottom. 
*Quit coloring on the wall! —> Color on the paper. 
*No, we don’t throw our toys. —> Put your toys away gently.  

In Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, this is referred to as avoiding negative talk and giving direct commands. When a child is told clearly what is expected of them, they are more likely to listen. They will also respond more quickly to “no, stop, don’t, quit” when they are used in serious situations, if they only hear them when they really need to.  

Once the child has followed the directions given to them, it is very important to PRAISE them for doing so. Be sure to label the praise by saying what they did well, “Thank you for listening.” “Thank you for following directions.” “Thank you for sitting in your chair.” This increases the likelihood of them doing what parents want them TO DO next time. 

So, the next time you catch yourself saying “No”, “stop”, “don’t”, or “quit”, I challenge you to pause and think “what do I want them to do?”; then say exactly that.  

Leslie Thompson, LCSW, LSCSW