Tips for Making Friends as an Adult
Many people identify making new friends as one of the greatest challenges of adulthood. I think people often feel like making new friends means going up to strangers and asking, “Do you want to be my friend?”, when in reality that method typically only works for toddlers. We often fear rejection or that people will not like who we are, and people who have anxiety and depression are more likely to have those thoughts and feelings. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people have sat in my office and told me that they are afraid people do not like them. It is so common that if those fears were reality, it would mean we all disliked just about everyone. (And obviously, that cannot be true). So here are a few tips that can help assist you with managing some of the anxious feelings about making and maintaining friendships.
As previously stated above, the fear of people not liking them is so common that it is probable someone you are trying to befriend is having similar thoughts themselves. When we begin to realize our thoughts, fears, worries are not unique to us and so many people experience them it can help us to normalize and rationalize those feelings in order to ease some of that anxiety.
Understand ‘”Acceptance Prophecy”. The idea that if we enter new social situations expecting acceptance, we are more likely to be warm, welcoming, and engage in positive conversation. On the flip side, if we are expecting rejection, we are more likely to be cold, nervous, and shy away from meaningful conversation. Our expectations of social interaction can directly impact our ability to establish new friendships.
Lean into the relationships that you already have. Many of us have people in our lives at work, the gym, or school that we have already established some form of relationship with. Being intentional about putting more time and effort into those relationships could put you in a position to have a true friendship. Ask them to go to coffee, happy hour, or ice cream. Something simple could put you on the path to having a relationship outside of the place you met them at.
Ever heard of the “Liking gap”? Studies have been done to show that people often underestimate how much people like them following conversation. The study utilized college dorm roommates who did not know one another prior to living together. The study confirmed that people could spend weeks or months believing that they were not liked very much by their roommate, but the roommate would rate their liking of them much higher. I believe that many of us formulate these beliefs about people’s opinion of us, based on no facts or evidence.
Last but not least. Do not forget that you are not meant for everyone and not everyone is meant for you. Making new friends is always going to pose some risk of rejection, however there are some people in this world that we probably do not want to be friends with anyways. And it is okay to be on the receiving end of that sometimes too. It does not mean you are annoying, weird, or awkward. It could simply mean that the lens someone is looking through that was influenced by their upbringing and past experiences makes it difficult for them to get along with you. But that is not a reflection of who you are as a person, because some people will see your bright personality as endearing and others see it as irritating. Some people think you’re rude and selfish and others respect the way you stand up for yourself. We have no control over the way people view us, but regardless of how they do, you are still a wonderful human, worthy of love and friendship.
I hope you find some of these tips helpful when trying to establish new friendships. I know it can be a challenge, but some slight changes in perspective and behavior can make a significant positive impact.
Morgan Twidwell, LSCSW, LCSW
References
Stinson, D. A., Cameron, J. J., Wood, J. V., Gaucher, D., & Holmes, J. G. (2009). Deconstructing the “Reign of Error”: Interpersonal Warmth Explains the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Anticipated Acceptance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35(9), 1165–1178. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209338629
American Psychological Association. (2023, June 1). Making new friends and keeping existing ones is hard. Here’s some science-backed tips to help. Monitor on Psychology, 54(4). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/making-and-keeping-friends
Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., & Clark, M. S. (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think? Psychological Science, 29(11), 1742–1756. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618783714