How To Support Someone Who Is Grieving
When a person loses a loved one, it can make people around them feel uncomfortable and unsure what to do. What is the right (or, for that matter, wrong) thing to say? Should we keep calling even if the bereaved doesn’t respond? Should we keep inviting them even if the answer is often “no”? In addition, being confronted with another’s grief can bring out our own fears. It is no wonder that we may feel an urge to turn away instead of toward the bereaved person.
Here are some tips how you can help someone who is grieving a loss:
Do’s:
Be transparent and honest, admit that you don’t know what to say. You don’t have to say anything to make it better (you can’t and it's not your job), but it helps if you can be genuine and speak from your heart. It is a difficult and new situation for everybody, so it’s normal to feel awkward at first.
Say the deceased person’s name and tell stories. Often we avoid mention of the deceased because we don’t want to “remind” the bereaved…as if they could forget. Sharing memories of their loved one can help the bereaved cope with the painful emotions of grieving. Often there is a fear that the deceased will be forgotten. By talking about and remembering them, you can honor the deceased person’s memory together.
Listen to the bereaved. When the bereaved person is ready, they may be grateful to have someone to talk to about what they are going through or about the deceased. Give the bereaved permission to grieve and validate their feelings.
Show up and do things for and with the bereaved person. A client told me that “at the funeral, many people said to call or let them know if I need something, anything, anytime. Only I don’t have the energy. It would be better if my friend called and said “Let’s have lunch tomorrow at 1pm. I’ll pick you up”. Take the first step, keep calling, and don’t stop inviting the bereaved even if they often don’t take you up on your offer.
Don’ts:
Saying things like “They are in a better place now” or “Everything happens for a reason” can make the bereaved feel that their grief is being dismissed and they are being silenced. Yes, the deceased may be relieved of pain and suffering, but you are speaking with the person who has to face a life without their loved one. Their pain is valid and should be acknowledged. Being present for the bereaved is the most helpful thing you can do to support them.
Unless the bereaved person asks for advice, don’t tell them what they “should do”. You can’t know how they feel and what works for them. Ask the bereaved what they need and follow their lead.
Avoid judgment of the bereaved person’s grief journey. Everybody (including the bereaved) wishes they could heal and stop hurting faster. Every person’s grief looks different and happens at their own unique pace. As the saying goes: “There is no right or wrong way to grief. There is only one way - your way.” The greatest gift you can give, is to allow the bereaved to grieve their way…with you by their side.
Be mindful of prioritizing the bereaved person’s needs and don’t lay on them how painful the loss is for you. It is not helpful for the bereaved if they have to comfort others. This doesn’t mean that you can’t express your emotions but you need to lean on someone further removed from the loss for your own support.
Natalie Msechu, LSCSW, LCSW