Understanding Your Grief Journey
The most important thing to know about grief is that your journey is as unique as you and your relationship with the deceased. Grief looks different for every person depending on the circumstances of the loss and the relationship with the deceased. What all have in common is the physical and emotional pain, and what Hollinger refers to as “the grief-stricken brain”, referring to brain fog, forgetfulness, and intrusive thoughts.
Common questions in my work with bereaved clients address the following topics:
What can I expect after a loss?
The grief journey has no schedule and no rigid itinerary. You will pass through and revisit the “5 Stages of Grief” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) in no predictable order. It is important to know that Elizabeth Kuebler Rosst described the “stages theory” for the dying person. Often, we apply this concept to the bereaved and create unrealistic expectations. While the bereaved do experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, it is not happening in a linear fashion, since their life continues after the death.
Why am I feeling these waves of pain and sorrow?
What every bereaved person will find out is that there are no shortcuts on the grief journey. Healing happens as we experience our grief and pain. The term “sudden temporary upsurge of grief” (STUG) resonates with many mourners. STUGs are described as waves of sorrow and grief that overcome a person, often unexpectedly. STUGs can be prompted by obvious triggers like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, but also by more obscure triggers like songs and sounds, smells, seasons, foods, etc. STUGs tend to be more frequent and longer-lasting in the first year after the loss but can rear their ugly head anytime. Mourners will learn over time that these waves come and go. It also helps to accept that STUGs are an unavoidable part of the grief process.
What keeps me from moving forward in my grief?
A common reason why people struggle to move out of the deep and sometimes paralyzing pain, is the fear of losing the connection with the deceased. The fear of dishonoring or forgetting the deceased can keep the mourner from resuming to “live their life”. It is important to remember that the memory of the deceased will stay with us forever, whether we allow ourselves to laugh and live again or not.
Another reason why people “get stuck” in deep grief that interferes with their return to life is when they are experiencing “complicated grief”. Everybody feels pain after a loss, but “complicated grief” is diagnosed when the intensity and duration of the reaction is so intense that the mourner is unable to return to their previous level of functioning after a reasonable (for the circumstances of the loss) time.
When will I be done grieving?
Often mourners are told that they will “get over it” eventually. But nobody ever “gets over” a significant loss. The goal is to learn to live a life without the deceased and, to use Joe Biden’s words, “the time will come when memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes”. Mourners move towards this goal over time as they process the loss on all levels (see blog post “Understanding Your Grief Journey, Part 2).
What are things that can help me on this journey?
Connection: Find people who will listen and who support you in your grief. It helps to talk to family members, friends, or a therapist who lets you process your grief non-judgmentally. Support groups are useful as they provide the opportunity to feel less isolated in the experience. The Hindu proverb “help thine brother’s boat across, and lo! Thine own has reached the shore”, refers to the fact that helping others benefits us, too. In addition, being around others who are in mourning, can help to normalize the way you grieve and to move towards acceptance of your loss as well as restore a sense of hope.
Maintain a routine: Especially in the early days after a loss, it is helpful to stick to a routine. Decision-making and planning are difficult when we are struggling with brain fog and depression.
Accept help: If you are typically a “giver” rather than a “taker”, it may be hard to say “yes” to offers of help. Loss is hard and we can’t do it alone. Accepting help can provide you with the support you need and also gives the helper an opportunity to feel useful.
Beware of grief triggers : Understand that it is normal to experience more sudden temporary upsurges of grief (STUG) around the time of a relevant date, in locations that hold memories, etc. Knowing that an increase in frequency and intensity of STUGs is to be expected, can be helpful to avoid adding worry to the emotional stress of grief.
And most of all, remember that grieving is normal and has no timeline. You’re not doing it wrong, you are grieving your way!
-Natalie Msechu
Sources:
Hollinger, Dorothy, P. (2020), The anatomy of grief. How the brain, heart, and body can heal after loss. Yale University Press.
Worden, William, J. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. Springer Publishing Company.