Becoming a Connected People through Relational Nutrients
I recently wrote an article describing the importance of identifying those who give (gain) you energy versus the things or relationships in your life that take away (drain) energy. It’s important to have at least 3-10 people in our lives who we get energy from so that we can be people who give to others--those in our community, our workplace, and our own homes.
The next key ingredient to creating a healthy balance in our lives is through identifying the Relational Nutrients we need from others. Once we can identify our own needs, we are more effective at helping others. We can give in ways that we can’t otherwise.
Many of us know that we need nutrients in order to give us energy. We need iron to make the thing that allows our red blood cells to carry oxygen from our lungs to the rest of our body. We need oxygen in order to breathe. We need food that has proteins, carbohydrates, and fats combined, in order to have fuel for our bodies to do the things we want to do. We need sleep to function and give our brain and body rest. Like these energy sources, we need relational nutrients: nutrients that give us connection to others and let us know we have support and are not alone in our lives. THIS is the type that often gets missed but the type that provides connection and decreases loneliness - a health risk in itself.
We often neglect ourselves by not being vulnerable in our relationships, therefore, never really being seen by those around us. We need other people besides our spouses, kids, or labradors. By understanding our own needs, we can effectively identify and meet others’ needs.
The 4 Quadrants of Relational Nutrients
Dr. John Townsend, the author of one of my favorite books Boundaries created The 4 Quadrants of Relational Nutrients in his new book called People Fuel. These nutrients, which he calls brain nutrients are divided into four main quadrants:
Be Present
Townsend simply states that sometimes, we need someone to shut up and just listen. We need to vent, someone to listen, and validate that what we are going through is hard. In this quadrant, we just need someone to be present, not give advice or “fix it”.
2. Convey the Good
Sometimes we need a boost of positivity. We need others to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves.
3. Provide Reality
This is where we need wisdom and a deeper meaning or understanding of why we are where we are. We need someone’s perspective, clarity, insight or feedback. We need direction or someone to hold us accountable with our emotions or behaviors.
4. Call to Action
Here is for the fixers! This is where we actually need a plan of action. We need advice, structure, a challenge, or someone to sit and help develop a plan with us.
If you’re like me and a visual person in any way, here is a brief view of the quadrants. To look more into the specifics of the quadrants, Dr. Townsend has a great resource available--you can even print it!
Have you ever been vulnerable with someone to only have them respond in a quadrant that you really didn’t need? It feels like a mis-connection. When we share with someone who isn’t ‘attuned or aware of needs in the moment, we can leave feeling even more unheard or discouraged. Instead of expecting others to know what we need, it’s more helpful to preface by asking for the need before starting the conversation. Note: most of the time, I don’t even know what I need, so how I can expect someone else to know?
Asking for our needs to be met means first being aware of our needs. Here are a few examples of what this looks like so that you can ask for your need and get those needs met, increasing connection and strengthening your relationship with this friend, partner, family member or mentor.
When you need someone to just listen...
-“I really need to just vent right now. Are you in a space where you can hear that and just listen?”
When you need encouragement...
“I’m struggling working through some of the things that happened last weekend. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’d love some encouragement.”
When you need a reality check...
“My brain is telling me that my marriage is going to fail and that no one actually loves me. I need some help coming up with reasons that’s not true.”
When you need an action plan...
“I want to leave my job but am unsure of how to do that or the next steps. Can you help me figure out what my first step is?”
Notice how phrasing your needs in these ways make you feel as you read them. Nervous? Anxious? Worried? Excited? All of these are normal feelings, especially when trying something new or different! I encourage you to do an experiment--just try identifying what you need in the moment of anxiety, disconnection, or hopelessness and push yourself to ask for it from someone who is an energy GAIN in your life. (To learn more about the energy gains, read Healthy Relationships: The Key to Optimizing your Personal and Professional Life.)
This person is someone you may have been vulnerable with in the past who have proven themselves trustworthy.
When we are able to identify our own needs and get those met, we can develop and strengthen the capacity to be people who meets the needs of others--of your spouse’s, your kids, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your team you lead. Becoming these type of people--attune to ourselves and others--we can change our city, our communities, our friends, our families, and our homes.
Robin Kluttz,
LSCSW, LCSW, CPT Millennial Therapist