Love in the Time of Lockdown
If you’re a couple making it happily through this quarantine together, hats off! If you’re a couple in conflict, gloves off may be more like it. All of this time at home can cause friction and shine a bright light on chronic issues. No fun, right? Yesterday’s small problems can start looking like big ones. It’s hard to be so confined for so long, and nobody wants to end up as relationship roadkill.
Every partnership is unique, of course, and we’ve all had varying responsibilities during this pandemic. Some of us are essential workers, some have children or ill family members, finances are threatened, health is on the line, and in the middle of it all (seriously?!) relationships still need attention. Life is dishing out a messy new reality, and we all get our own fat slice of the pie. But one thing is certain: triple helpings of togetherness for couples can magnify dissatisfaction in a hurry. You may be at home, but feel surrounded by uncertainty. You may be together, but feel like you’re drifting apart. If you find yourselves bickering, disengaging, or questioning why on earth you’re even together, join everyone else in the Quarantine Couple’s Club.
Checking In
Funny thing about love. Our most intimate relationships often take a hit when we’re unhappy or not taking care of ourselves. A first step is to take a look at our own well-being. Exercise, good food, and sleep are golden. When these basic needs are ignored, it’s hard to feel like ourselves or be good partners. A little self-care goes a long way, and (especially during hard times) it’s not optional even when we wish it could be.
Checking Out
Speaking of self-care, bits of time apart can make a big difference for couples. Even if you adore each other, 24/7 adds up to trouble in the equation of love. Break away, take walks, read books, have virtual coffee with a friend. Create some healthy distance, and you may appreciate each other’s presence instead of growing to resent it.
Changing it Up
As for those more frequent fights and squabbles, it can help to hit reset and try something new. It’s perfectly okay to say “I need a minute, I’ll be right back” and go in another room to calm down a bit. When you return, try listening first before defending yourself or mounting your argument. Fully understanding where your partner is coming from doesn’t mean you have to AGREE with him/her. Even when you disagree, it pays to take the time to really hear your partner’s point of view. Opposite ways of thinking are okay...tearing into each other is not.
Choosing Kindness
One more thing. When you can, take a minute to express your gratitude and give each other some slack. “Thanks so much for washing the dishes” is better than “I was wondering when you’d wash those stupid dishes!” You get the point. We all want to feel appreciated. Kind words tend to multiply, and come right back to you. Ditto on kind gestures, especially now, when everyone’s feeling so isolated. You know best what would take a load off your partner, and doing that would be a gift. So, put into the relationship what you’d like to get back. Shoot for positive comments, not negative. Remember why you chose each other in the first place. Simple, but it works.
Is this whole quarantine business easy? Nope. It sure isn’t. But, who knows. Being forced to confront the hard stuff now could pay off later. It only seems fair that good things should come out of this surreal time. Be the couple who emerges from lockdown with stronger skills and a closer partnership. You can do it. My heart and hopes are with you.