Context is Everything
“Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you will land among the stars.” –N. V. Peale
A major part of my work is reducing the self-criticism and self-blame clients hear when they don’t reach their goals. The reality is that if we shoot for the moon and miss, we do end up among the stars…floating alone in the infinite void of space. It sounds like the best option may be to not try at all, or to not have goals. Right? But, who wants to live a life without goals?
The answer to the problem of criticism when we miss our goals is that context is everything, and the critical and blaming voices in our heads are terrible at context. Those voices say things like:
“If you had done things differently…”
“If you had tried harder…”
“You fail at everything.”
“You’re a bad person.”
What is the common theme in these statements? The word you. Our critical and blaming voices zero in on what we did or didn’t do to the exclusion of everything else. There is no context. What was happening around you when you missed your goal? What barriers were in your way? What resources were you missing that would have made hitting the moon easier? Are your expectations of yourself realistic?
Adding context does not, unfortunately, change the situation. What it does is take the spotlight of criticism and blame off you, turning it from a painful experience into…an experience. Painful experiences lead to pain-based responses like inappropriate anger, depression, avoidance, and more. Experiences that are unpleasant but not painful lead to more positive responses including problem solving and growth.
So, it is metaphorically just fine to shoot for the moon—make your goals however lofty you want them to be. However, if you miss, and end up far from success, remember that context is everything. Is it your fault you’re there, or is it a complex situation with many causes? I guarantee it is the latter.
