Go Deeper
In John Mark Comer’s book “Live No Lies” he says, “Our strongest desires are not our deepest desires.” Let’s spend a little time contemplating that and see what kind of impact that has on our lives. The strongest urges we have in a given moment might feel very intense, but there is likely a deeper desire underneath that urge that is more meaningful and likely holding your solution. In my work with clients we often discover that the focus has unintentionally been on their strongest desires, not their deepest ones, which is why the same problems keep reoccurring.
For example, consider infidelity. In some cases, the desire to engage in an emotional or sexual relationship with a person other than your partner can feel all-consuming. An intense craving for something new and exhilarating. The assumption might be that your current partner can’t meet your needs, but this other person will. While being with this other person may be your strongest desire, it’s very possible that your deepest desire is to feel seen, appreciated, respected, or enjoyed. If you are not attune to your deepest desires, as soon as they begin to go unaddressed in meaningful ways in your new relationship, you could find yourself back in the same situation, craving someone new. Focusing your attention on your deepest desires (feeling seen, appreciated, respected or enjoyed by your partner) will likely lead to more long-lasting and meaningful results.
Another example could be substance use. The urge to drink or use might be incredibly strong, but it’s rarely the deepest desire at play. For a lot of the clients I’ve worked with, the deepest desire is freeing themselves from pain or stress. While substance use may accomplish this temporarily, the urge to use substances will continue to resurface until your deepest desire is explored and fully met.
Think about some instances of pornography use. While that urge may be the strongest desire you have in that moment, the deepest desire is probably something related to intimacy, connection, exploration, or affection, none of which can be found satisfactorily in porn.
The list goes on and on. Some of the problem here comes from how easy and accessible short-term fixes for our strongest desires are. For most people, finding a new relationship, alcohol, drugs, and pornography are just moments away. They are effective in quieting our loudest desires, but only for a moment. Your deepest desire is still there, underneath the surface, asking for attention and resolution. Our strongest desires are also the loudest and most obnoxious in the moment. It can be hard to settle your mind and heart long enough to consider what the deepest desire underneath that urge might be. Meeting with a therapist could be a great place to start if you find yourself revisiting any problematic behavior based on an urge you can’t seem to control. There is real hope for behavior change here, but even deeper, true rest and resolution for needs you were created to have met.
- Jeri Sullivant, LSCSW, LCSW