Guilt vs. Shame

Often these terms are used interchangeably, but they are very different! Understanding the difference can help you change the way you think about yourself and the world around you, and is the starting place for the majority of my work with clients.

Believe it or not, guilt (when assigned correctly) is good! It’s that feeling of regret you experience after you’ve made a mistake or you’ve hurt someone. Guilt helps you identify when you’ve crossed a line and teaches you what behaviors to avoid in the future. It shows us what we don’t want to do again. Experiencing the feeling of guilt indicates you care about your choices and how they impact others. 

Shame occurs when we start applying our mistakes to who we are as people. Shame is labeling ourselves based on our faults, limiting our capacity to change. Phrases like, “I’m a bad person,” “I’m a screw up,” or “I’m a cheater” are some examples that could indicate deep shame, and shame keeps us stuck making the same mistakes over and over. 

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. You have made some mistakes, your choices have hurt other people, and you can learn from them. When you allow yourself to believe that you are not defined by the mistakes you have made, you can change the narrative of your life and start living more in alignment with who you really are. How can we do this? We can start by identifying our core values. Chances are, when you experience feelings of guilt or shame, you have made a choice that is in direct conflict with something you deeply value. For example, if you feel bad after lying to your partner, you likely value honesty. If you feel guilty after yelling at your children, you likely value peace, emotional regulation, or healthy communication. A lot of important work can be done once you explore and identify your core values. They become a gage for all future behaviors and decision making. Everything from whether or not to accept a new job, to determining if you should stay in a certain relationship, to how you spend your free time is dictated by what you value most. 

Making an appointment with a therapist at Resolve can help you sift through the pattern of toxic shame that is holding you back from making significant life changes. Identifying your core values is one of the first steps in making life decisions that can result in higher self-esteem, healthier relationships, and a more meaningful lifestyle. Call and book today.

-Jeri Sullivant, LSCSW, LCSW

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Four Tendencies that Disrupt Communication and Relationships: Part Two

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An Open Letter for Those Living with Chronic Illness and Pain