Four Tendencies that Disrupt Communication and Relationships: Part Two
According to John Gottman’s research on what makes a relationship successful, four tendencies continued to show up with couples who were struggling with relationship satisfaction. It is normal for these tendencies to occasionally occur for all couples, even happy couples. But couples who ended up not lasting years later had a disproportionate amount of these tendencies during conflict. The tendencies include criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
The first step in improving your communication in your relationship is to be honest with yourself and aware of these tendencies. Fortunately each tendency has an anecdote to combat the negative effects.
Criticism is typically what turns up the heat at the start of a disagreement. In order to prevent criticism from occurring, the following tips can help:
Gentle start-up: Be mindful of when to discuss the concern. Are both parties calm?
Focus on using “I” statements and maintaining a warm tone of voice. Example: I felt frustrated when I saw the trash still in the kitchen. Could you take out the trash tonight? Notice the communication structure: “I felt _____ When______. I need_____.”
Defensiveness is often the response to a criticism and can quickly cause a “pile up” of issues during a disagreement. Defensiveness prevention requires taking accountability, focusing on the task at hand and apologizing.
Contempt is more pervasive than the first two horsemen as it involves overall hostility towards the other partner. Contempt shows up outside of conflict and can look like sarcasm, regular put-downs and a sense of superiority from one partner over the other. Enhancing overall affection, being intentional about expressing appreciation and acknowledging your partner’s strengths will help counteract feelings of contempt.
Stonewalling is the tendency to become flooded with stress hormones, causing a person to shut down during a disagreement. In order to prevent stonewalling, self-awareness is required when noticing stress in the body and proceeding to take a break to self-sooth. Strategies to help calm the body down include taking a walk, deep breathing or progressive muscle relation. Both individuals should take a minimum 20 minute break from the conversation and engage in a soothing, distracting activity where both parties are not ruminating on the conflict.
For more information on the four horsemen and improving your relationship, check out Dr. John Gottman’s best selling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Aeriel Feeback, LCSW, LSCSW