Am I Co-Dependent?
I have clients who frequently tell me that they are “co-dependent”. As soon as I begin the process of exploring with them why they feel that way, it becomes apparent that they are not co-dependent, rather, they are interdependent. Co-dependency vs. interdependency can be tricky to both understand and navigate.
I want to take a moment to normalize interdependency. Interdependency says, I need human relationships. We were all built for connection. Desiring to be seen, known, loved, and cared for by others in your life is both beautiful and inevitable.
To desire to be in relationship with others as we navigate the world brings meaning and hope to our lives. When that desire begins to inhibit us from speaking our truth or we begin losing ourself and our identity, that’s when co-dependency starts to emerge.
Let’s break it down a little more.
Begin asking yourself these reflection questions:
Do I speak truthfully and openly with my partner, friends, and family?
Do I trust that others can handle my thoughts and emotions?
Do I have a high sense of self-worth/self-esteem?
Do I know my goals, interests, passions, likes, and dislikes?
Do I allow others to navigate their own emotional state without feeling it’s my responsibility to do it for them?
Am I able to set boundaries with others?
Co-dependency is often a result of childhood trauma wounds with our caregivers or parents. If you believe your interpersonal relationship patterns reflect that of co-dependency, give yourself some compassion. Remember that your basic need for co-dependency is simply to be accepted by others. Maybe this shows up through conflict aversion or people-pleasing behaviors in order to avoid abandonment. It is a process to begin to untangle yourself from co-dependent behaviors. Begin by slowly allowing yourself to show up a little more honestly, openly, and authentically with others this week.
When you feel a desire or compulsion to manage your anxiety about losing a relationship, begin to ask yourself what you can do to self-soothe. Attend to your needs through nurturing words or comforting self-care.
As you reflect on the questions above know that there is gray here. There might be both signs of some co-dependency and interdependency AND that’s okay! Instead of labeling our state as wrong or bad, let’s instead bring into awareness how we may be relating or connecting to others and if where it might be helpful to make some changes.
-Annie Bretches, LPC, LCPC