How to on: Not Reverting to Childhood Patterns When Around Family During the Holidays
Raise your hand if you can resonate with reverting to old patterns when around your family during the holidays.
This is such a common experience! Let’s break down this concept a little bit. We have all grown up with certain family rules or messaging that become internalized over time. These family rules can keep us stuck in unwanted patterns or dynamics because they are so ingrained. Our first step is simply acknowledging that this is true. I encourage you to just notice this when around your family. No judgment, no critiques, no criticism. Simply notice.
It can take a lot of intentionality to break free from these old patterns. There may be some slips along the way as you embark on this practice. Do your best to give yourself some grace by remembering that this is a learning curve and the point is not to be perfect at it.
Once you have begun the process of taking notice of how each member of your family contributes to cycles or patterns, start to process through the stuckness. When we bring awareness to what is happening and why, you can begin to break free from the unwanted behavior and communication.
Keep in mind that you do not have control over what others do, you only have control over what you do or do not do. So what’s your part? How can you begin to change how you react to your family? What kind of coping mechanisms can you engage in to help with any feelings of distress or despair?
Here are just a few tips that may feel applicable to you.
Don’t enable inappropriate or unwanted behavior by accepting it, laughing at it, or contributing to it.
Ask for space or time alone when needed.
Know which topics are touchy or triggering. Set boundaries if needed around these conversations.
State your wants and needs directly and clearly.
Try and depersonalize certain commentary or messaging.
A caveat that I want to address is for individuals who struggle with toxic or abusive family dynamics. The tips and tricks stated above may not apply to you if there are safety concerns at play. If you find yourself in this category it is important to seek help through community resources or a professional. It may also be helpful in the interim to set strong boundaries and, if possible, reside in a secure and safe living space.
Navigating difficult dynamics can be so challenging. Before entering into any space with family know your “why” of gathering. Do you value tradition and rituals? Do you hope to build a connection with loved ones? Do you have positive memories from the past with your family? Do you hope that is a time of celebration, relaxation, and rest? Do you want to eat a delicious meal? Do you desire to let others know that you both care and prioritize them? Knowing our “whys” help us to stay grounded, have an open mind, a broader perspective.
Annie Bretches, LPC, LCPC