Listening with Love: A 3-Step Plan for Couples in Conflict
Here’s the #1 way to improve your relationship: be a better listener.
If you’re shaking your head right now and thinking yeah––easier said than done, you’re definitely not alone. Our partners are experts when it comes to pushing our buttons, and it’s natural to shift into fight mode reflexively sometimes. Skilled listening is not as impossible as it seems though, and making small changes can save couples from steering conversations into a ditch.
Especially during conflict, listening with empathy, interest, and curiosity is great for YOU, not just your partner. This is because it helps you be heard when it’s your turn to talk. So, it’s not purely gift-giving (hardly the impulse when you’re angry), it’s also a smart strategy to create some openness to your own point of view. People are more willing to hear what others have to say when they themselves feel listened to and understood. That’s a fact.
Fighting is never fun, but it can actually be a chance to learn more about your partner and ultimately feel much closer. You are two separate people, so of course you have different ways of thinking. That’s not automatically a bad thing. Here are 3 secrets to being a better listener in tough conversations:
Push pause before responding.
Count to 5. Take a breath. Give yourself a minute, instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind (usually a counterpoint, a criticism, or a defense). This takes practice, but can definitely pay off in more thoughtful responses and fewer nasty exchanges.
Understand first, then be understood.
Here’s the tricky part. It helps to remember that you’ll definitely get your chance to talk…but first be sure you really get what your partner is saying. Ask questions. Get more details. Seek clarification, and don’t assume you know exactly what your partner is thinking or feeling. Be curious about the perspective EVEN IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH IT. Listening to understand and validate does not mean agreeing. Instead, it says we’re on the same team, you matter to me, and I care about your feelings. We sometimes speak to partners with a kind of disrespect we would never show strangers or acquaintances. A little politeness can go a long, long way toward creating a climate of tolerance and goodwill. You can even offer something like, “I get why it feels that way to you” when you really hear what’s being said. This is your partner after all. And if you offer an open ear, you’ll be more likely to get one in return.
Tell yourself: this is conversation #1.
It’s okay to take your time. Everything doesn’t have to be solved in a single painful battle. Maybe approach “part one” of any conflict as a chance to trade, understand, and validate perspectives without trying to fix or resolve the problem. You can always circle back later to come up with solutions. Trying to change each other’s minds in one hot exchange isn’t more efficient, though it’s the most common approach. Instead of fast results, you might just end up with more anger, resentment, and hurt feelings between you. Not a win.
Whether your relationship is strong or struggling, making the choice to listen can help you and your partner feel happier and more connected. Showing up in a brand new way is proof that you’re more invested in love itself than in winning a fight. To have a better partner, be a better partner. Listening carefully can be a generous way to begin.
-Penny Howard, LPC, PLPC